Greetings. Near Esquipulas, Guatemala, a fish encountered openmouthed Swimmer Lazaro Perez, swam in, choked him to death.

Nice & Airy. In Kansas City, the RFC offered barrage balloons for sale to civilians as "excellent temporary shelters."

Milky Way. In Excelsior, W.Va., where the hills sometimes go straight up. Farmer Henry Young's cow fell out of a pasture, was killed.

Bargain. In Knoxville, Tenn., David Everett agreed to give his divorced wife their furniture, $700 cash and $80 a month -- if she would just let him have the telephone.

The Dog It Was ... In Tempe, Ariz., Marshal Walter Baker, bitten by a dog who promptly died of an undetermined cause, was bitten by another dog, who promptly died of an undetermined cause.

Coming & Going. In Magoffin County, Ky., primary candidates for County Judge included Attorney Brack Howard (Rep.) and the Rev. Brack Howard (Dem.).

Family Life. In Charleston, W.Va., a woman who complained in court that her husband had kicked her, lost her case when Judge Harold Neff noted that the man had only one leg.

Potted Chicken. In Montreal, the city morgue received a hen with a note requesting an autopsy, put the hen on ice, finally got around to examining it two weeks later, discovered that it was not dead but simply dead drunk on mash, sobered it up.

Caught Shortless. In Washington, U.S. Senator Homer Ferguson was informed by a Detroit drygoods wholesaler that underwear-short Detroit men were reduced to buying ladies' panties.

Direct Action. In Georgetown, Ga., bootleggers were accused of burning down their competition: the town's two liquor stores.

Social Note. In Greenwich, Conn., three masked bandits entered the home of George H. Houston, ex-president of Baldwin Locomotive Works, announced a stickup, stayed an hour, toured the house, chatted pleasantly, finally bade Mrs. Houston and her baby grandchild good- bye, shook hands all around (first removing their gloves) and departed with several cases of whiskey, $75 and nine gas coupons.

The End. In Devils Lake, N.D., a five-ton elephant named Vera died of an infected toe nail.

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