Critic. In St. Johnsbury, Vt., Henry Placey, a woodchopper, finally saw his first "talkie," walked out on it after 15 minutes.

References. In Great Falls, Mont., Tobie Desjarlais was jailed for beating his wife after the disappearance of his character witness--one Pete Gopher, wanted for wife-beating himself.

Tribute. In Sydney, Australia, copper nameplates in the Old Commodore Hotel's bar marked the spot where Customers Roly Collins and Stan Warren had drunk 7,000 gallons of beer since 1912.

Miscue. In Omaha, Detective Inspector F. Franks secured a confession from a woman who had passed a worthless check that she had signed F. Franks.

Wrong Number. In Kansas City, Store Clerk Walter Browning listened patiently to a customer's description of a hat that had attracted her in the window, gently broke the news to her: it was a handbag.

Wisdom of Solomon. In Vastervik, Sweden, the rent control board forbade Landlord Axel William Thunberg to evict Tenant Kustaa Joeesaar for snoring, but ordered the tenant to soundproof his bedroom.

Nice Work . . . In Franklin, Pa., proud Police Chief F. M. Sheffer innocently made out his year-end report: "Automobiles stolen, 23; recovered, 25. Bicycles stolen, 11; recovered, 12. . . ."

Great Expectations. In Oklahoma City, Officer E. W. Lawson forgave a woman driver three traffic violations in one block when she explained that she had just discovered she was going to become a mother. In Louisville, Speeder Ernest L. Woods assured the judge that he was transporting an expectant mother, got fined $5 when she turned out to be a spitz.

Contraband. In Hof, Germany, a Russian-zone housewife was arrested trying to sneak into the U.S. zone with two smoked cats and a smoked dog.

Conservatives. In Venice, 400 licensed gondoliers asked the city fathers please to bar motorboats from the Grand Canal, to preserve 1) the prestige of the gondola; 2) the foundations of the buildings; 3) the lives of tourists.

Crime in the Afternoon. In Venice, Calif., a burglar intent on robbing the home of Mrs. George Blackmer: 1) tied up Mrs. Blackmer and two visiting ladies, 2) answered the doorbell and bound Neighbor Kenneth Thompson, 3) untied one of the ladies to quiet a squalling baby, 4) answered the doorbell and tied up a salesman, 5) walked out, muttering.

This file is automatically generated by a robot program, so reader's discretion is required.