"Foal the Drab"

One radio star who is not much disturbed about the threat of television is Comedian Fred Allen. Last week, filling in for vacationing Columnist John Crosby of the N.Y. Herald Tribune, Allen struck some ambiguous blows in radio's defense, managing at the same time to get a few elbow-jabs and nose-rubs into radio's face. Sample Allen opinions of the "romp, revel and enlightening fare" that packs the average radio day:

Husband & Wife Programs: "Cleverly blending commercials with gossip . . . the husband and wife mate the trite with the trivial and foal the drab."

Soap Operas: "The plot usually concerns a character named Just Simple Sam, who--although his house is on fire, his daughter has just eloped with a man who was seen coming out of a Henry Wallace rally . . . and he has had an automobile accident that has broken his back, fractured his skull and crushed both legs--is still able to crawl to the microphone and help the announcer explain the big contest and where you mail the box tops."

Quiz Shows: ". . . Hastily establish the ignorance of the contestant and give her a refrigerator, an airplane, or $20,000 to get away from the microphone."

Round Table Discussions: "[They are] . . . like boring a hole through the wall of a Turkish bath--all you get is hot air."

Disc Jockeys: "Often called 'nocturnal non sequiturs.' To be a disc jockey you have to have insomnia and a collection of records."

The Marriage Programs: ". . . Enable cretin couples to take their marriage vows over a coast-to-coast network and later to raise children who will become contestants on quiz programs."

Allen's heartening conclusion: "I am not worried. While television is making up its mind, radio marches on! It may be a treadmill--but RADIO MARCHES ON!"

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