Empty Saddle. In Vernon, Tex., veteran Cowpoke Tony Hazelwood, riding herd on the fall roundup, cracked three ribs in the crash of his bucking helicopter.

Sanctuary. In Rock Island, Ill., Martin Kohn was caught drunk riding on the town water wagon.

Divide & Conquer. In Manhattan, two ex-convicts who had joined forces to rob pretty Eleanor Joly were nabbed by police when they came around again to make separate social calls on her.

No Offense. In Warren, Ohio, John Markovich, who had made a shambles of the Veterans Administration office by scattering files over the floor, overturning desks and breaking up anything he could lay hand to, explained sheepishly as he was being led away: "I thought I was in the income-tax office."

Shadow Play. In Detroit, the motorist who got a parking ticket without the blanks filled in paid his fine by mail with an unsigned $2 check.

Roughshod. In Chicago, Fred Haver-kate formally charged George Widdes with assault with a deadly weapon: "One pair of oxford shoes, size eight, attached to the defendant's right and left feet."

Fundamentals. In North Little Rock, Ark. because of great demand, the high school led off its girls' physical-education classes with a football movie on "Blocking and Tackling Positions."

If I Had the Wings ... In Calgary, Alta., Roofer Arnold Larson's jail sentence for drunken driving was postponed until he finished fixing the roof of the police station. In Jefferson City, Mo., Willard Drayton, a tower guard at the state penitentiary, was found to be a parole violator from California. In Salt Lake City, Escaped Convict Allen J. Carbis, returning to the Utah State Prison after voluntarily calling up the warden to say "I'm coming home," explained: "I had no right as a man or a convict to let him down that way."

Wiener Bluf. In Vienna, police ruled that actresses and female artists signing official papers might lie about their age, up to ten years, without risking punishment for false registration.

Protective Coloration. In San Antonio, harassed Postmaster Dan Quill begged that municipal trash cans be painted orange -- or almost any color but postbox green.

Everything But ... In Philadelphia, Herbert Lee Bailey was sentenced to jail for stealing a kitchen sink.

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