Out of the Sticks

In its best legal manner, the staid old law firm of Root, Ballantine, Harlan, Bushby & Palmer harrumphed out a letter. It went to John K. Hill, an innkeeper in Center Ossipee, N.H. "It has come to the attention of our client, Hotels Statler Co., Inc., that you are using for your own inn the term 'The Statler of the Sticks' ... It is contrary to the policy of the Statler Co. to permit the use of its name," etc., etc.

In Center Ossipee (pop. 1,500), Innkeeper Hill hitched up his trousers and made reply:

"Gentlemen--Now I suppose that if I do not write and tell you that I will stop using the name 'Statler' in my advertising . . . you will make trouble for me. That will be an awful hard thing for you to do for several reasons, viz., as follows and to wit: there is a substantial mortgage on this place. I do not keep any checking account, holding my cash in my left and right pants pockets and keeping my accounts on a clear pine board which I burn on March 16, after having made a true and honest accounting of my net income, if any . . . My legal advisers are two of the Justices of the New Hampshire Superior Court and the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of New Hampshire . . . These gentlemen help themselves to coffee and doughnuts in my kitchen when the spirit so moves them . . ."

Rattrap in the Room. "In fact, I have always given, and do now give, a level of personal service far beyond any offered by the Statler organization ... I always furnish the guest a rattrap for his room, free of charge. No charge is made for cheese for same. Of course, if the guest requests Camembert, Gruyere or Roquefort, a nominal charge is made ...

"I run a clean and moral house. I ain't had but one regular house guest hung for murder--that was Fred Small who was dropped in 1918 over in Concord ... I made a special trip to Concord and gave him my suit and that is a damned sight better service to the guest than . . . the Statler people have in the past, or will in the foreseeable future render a guest . . ."

Hidden Ash Barrels. This bracing breath of New England air, wafted into the sedate shadows of a Wall Street law firm, set one of the senior partners to writing a reply in doggerel, the kind of doggerel that a senior partner would be expected to write. A Statler publicity man reacted as a member of his species should, installed the Yankee innkeeper grandly in the Statler's most expensive suite when he came down to New York for a television appearance. Innkeeper Hill didn't seem to be completely taken in by all this attention, but did his best to oblige. After a look around the real Statler, he asked: "Where do you put your ash barrels?" At week's end, he headed back for the New Hampshire hills after agreeing to change the slogan of his inn. New one, unless he heard from another set of lawyers: "The Ritz of the Sticks."

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