Farewell to Alarms. In Hobbs, N. Mex., Fire Chief Archie Conner shut down his department for two days, posted a warning: "Positively no fires allowed."

Squeeze. In Hartford, Conn., Mrs. Anna Katzman got two notices from the city: 1) the tax assessment on her tenement house was raised 20%, 2) the building was declared unfit for occupancy.

Candidate for Honors. In Seattle, a driver explained to Police Captain R.W. Zottman why he had been driving at 60 m.p.h. on a slippery city street: "I was listening to a traffic safety radio program, and when the announcer asked, 'Will you be America's millionth traffic victim?' I just forgot where I was and started going faster."

Keeper of the Flame. In London, Mrs. Catherine Towersey won a second divorce after charging her husband with carrying on with the same woman she had named as corespondent in 1934 when she divorced him the first time.

Bird Lover. In Hamburg, Iowa, someone chopped a hole in the bottom of each of 16 duck hunters' boats.

Post-Operative Fee. In Cleveland, three years after getting punched in the nose during a street brawl, Steve Senich finally caught up with his slugger, handed him $10 because the blow had cured Senich of an old breathing disorder.

Fundamentalist. In Los Angeles, Forest Rollins strolled out on the street stark naked to buy cigarettes, indignantly told the cops who pinched him: "This is the way God made me."

Southern Hospitality. In Birmingham, when the judge asked him what the initials stood for, Juryman W.J. Weaver recalled: "My mother and daddy had eleven daughters in a row. They decided to call me Welcome John."

Weapon. In Newark, a thug took $42 from the cash register in Mrs. Anna Margolin's drygoods store while he held her at fingerpoint.

Cold Feet. In Rotterdam, just before the S.S. Sibajak sailed for New Zealand, a Dutch emigrant canceled his passage, explained that his mother and sister had not yet finished knitting the six pairs of socks he needed for a fresh start in life.

Preventive War. In Miami, Stanley Decker went to a party given by the American Airmotive Corp., got roaring drunk, tangled in five fist fights, was led off by three cops, drew a $10 fine, explained to the judge: "I was there to keep the other guests from acting the way I did. I'm a private detective."

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