Quick, the Needle!

For four days, talk of modern medicine was barred from Paris' Maison de la Medecine. The squat hall, across the square from Napoleon's tomb, was taken over by the latter-day devotees of a "healing" art older than Western civilization itself: the International Society of Acupuncture. His Imperial Highness Prince Buu Loc, Vietnamese Ambassador to France, assured the 350 delegates from 16 countries that the Western world was at last recognizing the virtues of acupuncture --the ancient Chinese custom of giving the patient the needles.

None of the acupuncturists had any doubts as to the efficacy of their gold and silver needles, with which they claim to restore the cosmic equilibrium between the forces of yang (positive) and yin (negative). When a man has an ache or pain, either yang or yin is getting out of hand. Sometimes a gentle jab with the gold (yang) or silver (yin) needle will do the trick; often it takes a bit of both. Testimony from Tunis. Only last month, said a French delegate, he had been asked to treat a bull suffering from "a hopeless case of sterility." After the bull got the needles, he went charging off in pursuit of four cows. And, said the puncturist, two of the cows are already in calf. A Tunisian specialist reported the case of a man, aged 30, suffering from depression, pains in the legs and sexual debility. He got one gold needle in the left chest (at point chungju) and in the back (at kaopang), and half an hour later headed home to his harem with a confident smile.

The most provocative news of medical needlework came from the congress' French president, Dr. Roger de la Fueye: "I affirm that acupuncture, professionally administered the evening or morning before a sporting match, will increase the performance of a champion. These same punctures, administered by a veterinarian acupuncturist to a horse 20 minutes before the race, are capable of 'doping' sprinters, trotters or jumpers in a clean and legal manner, and giving them a clear advantage."

Order of the Dragon. A golfer who wants to break par should have gold needles in the leg, chest, shoulder and cheek, and above the left eye, said Dr. de la Fueye, and silver needles in the knee and belly. He also had prescriptions for swimmers, bicyclists and concert pianists.

But when Dr. de la Fueye stood up at the society's dinner dance to receive the Order of the Green Dragon from Prince Buu Loc, he did not look like a champion. He keeled over in a dead faint. Mme. de la Fueye dug her fingernail into her husband's left pinkie (hsiaochung). He stood up for a moment, then toppled again. By this time, Dr. Alexandre Guillaume had found a gold needle, and jabbed it in De la Fueye's hsiaochung until the patient complained: "Hey, that hurts!" Thus revived, De la Fueye accepted his medal.

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