The Open Hands

In Hollywood, a man named Al Petker boasts that he has a warehouse packed with a million dollars' worth of merchandise--ranging from bakery rolls to cultured pearls. Petker is a Schlockmeister,* defined in the radio TV lexicon as "somebody in the business of giving away somebody else's merchandise." Like such other Schlockmeisters as Walter Kline, Adolphe Wenland and Manhattan's Waldo Mayo, Petker gives things away in return for just a kind word. But there is a slight catch: the kind word must refer to a particular product by its brand name, and it must be mentioned on a radio or TV show with an audience of millions. Give-away programs get the bulk of a Schlockmeister's warehouse hoard. Any televiewer who has sat benumbed while an announcer rattles off the list of prizes knows how meticulously the Schlockmeister is paid his due.

Writer for Free. The radio & TV networks approve the arrangement between Schlockmeisters and giveaways. They are not so sure about another facet of the business known as the "payola." Originally, the payola was a simple expression of gratitude. If a TV comic used a brand name in a joke (e.g., "Your hair looks like you combed it with a Waring mixer"), he would be likely to receive a Waring mixer in the next mail. But Schlockmeisters are not always content to wait until a comic thinks up a joke on his own. To speed matters along, they may write up a few jokes themselves that give a free plug to the brand of one of their clients. Explains Waldo Mayo: "A comic may have ten writers already--O.K., I'll be his eleventh writer for free."

Other Schlockmeisters thoughtfully send around to writing teams lists of leading national firms and their products with the notation that "any time we get these mentioned, we will deeply appreciate it." The deep appreciation always takes a concrete form--anything from a case of Scotch to a lifetime supply of fertilizer.

Sheer Friendliness. Radio Writer-Producer Don (Fibber McGee & Molly) Quinn thinks that "this practice amounts to petty larceny. After all, for me to chisel a part of my sponsor's time to give a free plug to someone else in return for an electrical bicycle pump just plain isn't honest." But Quinn has been unable to get the Radio Writers' Guild or his advertising agency to share his indignation. And he concedes that policing the practice is nearly impossible: "Inevitably, a gag will occur that names a national product. You'd be silly not to use it if it helps the show. Then if they want to give you a piece of the Hope diamond out of gratitude, you'd be silly not to accept it."

Schlockmeister Waldo Mayo can't find any ethical problem in the business at all. Says he: "Product names are a part of our language--we always say Kleenex or Coke instead of cleansing tissue or soft drink. Getting publicity for a brand name is no more different or immoral than getting it for a singer or hoofer." As for sending gifts to cooperating writers and com--ics, Mayo says that's nothing but sheer friendliness: "Why, at Christmastime, everybody in the U.S. exchanges gifts--they're all Schlockmeisters."

* The origin of Schlockmeister is obscure. Philologists cannot agree on whether Schlock is a Yiddish, German or Latvian word. They do agree that its general connotation is "junk, shoddy goods." Hence, a Schlockmeister is a dealer in conglomerate merchandise, often inferior.

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