Forewarned, Forearmed. In Oklahoma City, after hiring an ambulance with two attendants. Attorney Charles Ham Jr. rode in it to his ex-wife's home, angrily told her gentleman friend, "One of us is going to ride to the hospital," after a short fist fight was carried to the ambulance and driven to the hospital.

Thanatopsis. In Waverly, Iowa, the H. H. Cleveland Funeral Service advertised: THOSE WE HAVE SERVED WILL TESTIFY AS TO OUR ABILITY.

Applied Science. In Greenmeadows, New Zealand, a 13-year-old schoolboy was nabbed by police after he spotted a fireworks display in a shopwindow, focused the sun's rays through a magnifying glass, set off an explosion that destroyed -L-16 ($44.80) worth of merchandise.

Dpor-to-Door. In Omaha, after breaking into an insurance office, Roy Barkley ran to the street, hailed a taxicab, opened the door, too late discovered that he had Doarded a police patrol car.

Testing. In Haverhill, Mass., fined $25 for a false alarm, Catherine Yuele explained that her boy friend, a fireman, had failed to show up for a date.

Professional Handicap. In New London, Conn., Alfred Mills, 26, broke into a bottling plant, tripped the burglar alarm, continued to ransack the premises, later explained to police who caught him: "I'm hard of hearing."

Charm School. In Paterson, N.J., filing a suit for separate maintenance, Mrs. Frances Constantino complained that her husband Michael, attempting to make her lose 55 lbs., had rationed her food, made her swim until she was exhausted, insisted that she take a five-mile hike every day for a month.

Self-Service. In Grand Rapids, Mich., sheriff's deputies arrested Nils Bundy after they traced a 200-ft. garden hose leading from a service station to his home, discovered that he had been pumping gasoline into a 30-gal. drum in his basement.

Toll Call. In Chicago, two strangers entered the J. & J. Liquor Store, told Owner Joseph Glickin that they were going to use the pay phone, 35 minutes later departed, taking the telephone with them.

Fashion Forecast. In London, Reader "J. B." wrote a letter to the Communist Daily Worker condemning workers for wearing trousers, "those symbols of the inequality of women," declared that under Communism, "not only evening dress but trousers too will disappear ... I am already designing a tasteful blanket suitable for both sexes. It [has] no shape at all . . ."

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