Tinkling Cymbalism

In some U.S. churches, Jesus Christ is constantly being made over in the image of Dale Carnegie. Sinclair Lewis took a caustic look at this kind of anthropomorphism in Elmer Gantry, his 1927 satirical novel about the ministry. Lewis enraged the righteous but he made few people apprehensive about the state of the clergy: his pen was too vicious, his view too obviously jaundiced.

Wesley Shrader looks at the ministry from a different perspective: he is pastor of the First Baptist Church in Lynchburg, Va. His slim book, Dear Charles (Macmillan; $2.50), is a light but merciless expose of the rituals of tinkling cymbalism. It is more disturbing than Gantry because it could easily pass as the handbook of many a modern clergyman.

Dandruff & Sermons. Dear Charles is a collection of 26 fictional letters from Astute, a frustrated seminary professor, to the Rev. Charles Prince, an ambitious young pastor, on how to succeed in the ministry. Like Lord Chesterfield, Professor Astute neglects few facets of the successful man. "I want to begin with your appearance," he says. From dieting to dandruff, he recites his litany. "Your underwear should also be chosen with care . . . You will be stopping at hotels with some of your more prominent men . . . While I am on this subject, a word should be said about the care of teeth and under arm perspiration."

Churchgoers, in Astute's theology, exist to be pleased. "Let your church officials know where you stand on the points which they now cherish more highly than religious doctrines." Sermons, warns Astute, should always be comforting, never political, and preferably critical only of those "outside the fold."

A pastor's goal should be to outdo previous pastors. Since "there is no difference between selling insurance and selling religion," there is no excuse for not increasing the church's rolls, even if it means luring people from other denominations ("Can you imagine the representatives of General Motors suffering any qualms over taking customers away from Studebaker?"). In asking for money ("this is primarily what you are concerned with"), the wise pastor will remind his people that "if you trust the Lord and put in ten dollars, you will get twenty in return."

"A Ph.D.," says Astute, "will open more doors and make more of an impression than anything you could possibly possess." But the Rev. Dr. should not take himself too seriously: he would do well to pass up Toynbee's Study of History and devote his "selective" reading to denominational periodicals--the Biblical Bugle, the Biblical Trumpet., the Biblical Clarinet, etc.

Truth & Birth Control. Astute believes that his denomination alone has the truth and that the ecumenical movement is "the literal incarnation of Satan." He advises against birth control because it cuts down on the church's membership, cautions against discussing the race problem or labor-management relations because they are too controversial. But he does have his unorthodox moments: "I have long held the opinion--privately, of course--that the Sermon on the Mount is the most im practical nonsense I have ever read."

Pastor Prince is such an apt pupil that he is called to become pastor of the large, powerful First Church in Mammonville --"an honor that angels would covet." But almost before he can turn his charm on the new congregation, he is inconsiderately called to the "bright golden shore."

"The magnetic smile, which he has perfected across the years, now in death crinkled slightly about his full lips. Though his eyes were closed, he appeared any minute to be ready to raise himself from his new bondage and greet each mourner by name, with a lusty handshake and a resounding slap on the back."

This file is automatically generated by a robot program, so reader's discretion is required.