Up Periscope. In Danvers, Mass., a woman patient at the state mental hospital, who once worked willingly as a part-time attendant, began taking tranquilizers and decided she should be paid.

Knock Three Times. In Lexington, Ky., after an elderly man was told by a St. Joseph's Hospital receptionist that E. C. Jones could not have visitors but that he was "much improved," he seemed relieved, said. "I'm glad to hear it. I've been here ten days and couldn't learn that much from the doctors. I'm E. C. Jones.''

Avant-Garde. In Philadelphia. Painter Marjorie Ruben, upset when an art gallery complained that two of her paintings received for exhibition were ''entirely out of mood and feeling with the rest.'' investigated, discovered that two canvases of his own. had been sent along by her son, 5.

Song Without Words. In Waukesha, Wis.. The Raconteurs, a men's writing club, staged an essay contest on "Why Men Are Better Writers Than Women," scheduled a sumptuous dinner for the winner: Mrs. Grace Woodard.

Translation. In Memphis, the Post Office stamped "Moved--Left No Forwarding Address." and returned an unclaimed letter for an inmate of the Shelby County Penal Farm, after the farm had sent it back to the Post Office stamped "Escaped."

And Breathe Only Out. In London, Dr. H.O.J. Collier suggested that in view of the increasing hazards of radiation, modern health rules be distilled to three essentials: i) stop seeing the doctor and thus avoid X rays: 2) drink no milk, thus limit intake of cesium-137 (a radioactive isotope) j 3) stay indoors to be shielded from cosmic rays.

Miniaturization Pays. In Santa Ana, Calif., Police Chief Edward Allen ruled that it is O.K.. if they fit. to park two small foreign cars in a single metered space.

The Search. In Halifax. N.S., after Bobby Maceachern, 3, crawled 50 ft. into a concrete drainpipe and got stuck, firemen and volunteers spent an hour breaking it open to free him. were informed: "I was looking for something."

Not Well, Anyhow. In Brisbane, Australia. Salesman James Bernard Donohue was arrested for wearing a uniform and impersonating a policeman while selling advertising for a booklet entitled ''Crime Does Not Pay."

Wild Oats. In Epworth. England, Farmers Jack and Les Keall completed seeding a half-acre strip before realizing that the land belonged to a neighbor.

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