Two Tired. In Three Rivers, Mich., Thomas Kline, 11, smashed into a moving automobile with his bicycle, later confessed to police: "I fell asleep at the handlebars."

Red Square. In Moscow, Soviet newspaper Pravda reported that a traffic cop named Pavlov stopped a funeral procession for a minor violation, forced the entire cortege to turn around and follow him to the nearest police station.

Pole Apart. In Grand Junction, Colo., a shiny new police car drove into a municipal parking lot on a routine assignment, slowly cruised around as the driver checked the left side and his companion checked the right, smacked head-on into a telephone pole.

Absence Minded. In Miranda de Ebro, Spain, the school principal ordered the school doors closed at 9 a.m. as a disciplinary lesson to late students, gave up the project when 50% of the teachers were locked out.

Hard Cell. In Baltimore, Timothy J. McCarthy, soliciting advertising at a sporting-goods store for the Catholic Review, displayed a copy of the paper that contained a warning to advertisers against an impostor salesman named Timothy J. McCarthy, confessed when sentenced to two years that in his own case the paper did not bring results--he had never bothered to read it.

Self-Service. In Preston, England, a thief smashed the window of Arthur Boyle's clothing store, took a size 42 raincoat, left all other merchandise untouched, disappeared long before police learned that a shopper had said he wanted a size 42 raincoat, and would the store please put it in the window so he could come by and look it over.

Arsenic & Old Cake. In Christchurch, New Zealand, Policewoman Audrey Amos posted a notice in the Central Police Station cafeteria advising the person who had taken a slice of peanut caramel cake from her office to return it because the cake was part of the evidence in a food-poisoning case.

The Specialist. In Senago, Italy, Alfonso Maria Donadio, 37, who had collected fees estimated at $160,000 by posing as a physician specializing in Asian flu, was finally tracked down by police, who found him in bed with Asian flu.

A Man Called Henry. In Mold, Wales, the Rev. Henry Rees flunked the driving-license test for the fifth time, and, according to later court testimony, vengefully struck the examiner with a car-door handle, tried to butt him in the face, kicked at his legs, cried: "I'll bloody well shoot you," paid a -L-5 ($14) fine.

This file is automatically generated by a robot program, so reader's discretion is required.