Situation in Hand. Near Camp Lejeune, N.C., Acting Marine Sergeant Bruce K. Moore was fined $25 for spanking an eight-year-old neighborhood hellion merely because the lad had conked Moore on the head with a mud ball, tossed rocks at Moore's dog, got mud all over Mrs. Moore's newly washed sheets, gleefully winged stones into the toilet of the Moore apartment.

On the Town. In Nagoya, Japan, Fusao Ochiai missed the last streetcar, swiped a trolley and drove it to his home, soon got another free ride--to jail.

Star-Crossed. In Philadelphia, fired from his city job for a long string of absences and tardiness, J. Howard Johnson appealed to the local Civil Service Commission for his early reinstatement as law-enforcement clerk, explained that he was born under the astrological sign of Sagittarius, which makes him too restless to stay put in one spot for more than a few hours at a time.

Silenced. In Madera, Calif., Deputy Sheriff Salvador Vizcarra had to drive to headquarters to report the theft of his police cruiser's radio microphone.

Ultimate Tribute. In Paris, Ont., four child artists, whose landscapes were on display at an agricultural fair, got the bad news: a goat, chained too near the exhibit, had taken a fancy to their scenery, consumed the realistic greenery.

Out of the Barn. In Philadelphia, officials gathered to kick off Fire Prevention Week were interrupted in mid-ceremony when a mechanical replica of Mrs. O'Leary's celebrated lantern-kicking cow short-circuited, began to smolder.

Trick or Treat. Near Port Huron, Mich., intending to scare off Halloween pumpkin thieves, a farmer erected in his pumpkin patch a sign reading, "Beware! There is one poison pumpkin in this patch," returned to the field to find a new legend, "Now there are two."

On the Hemp. In Seattle, the suburban Grinnell & McLean furniture store ballyhooed "Mother-in-Law Mattresses," sale-priced at $9.95, craftily explained to buyers: "After mother-in-law has gone home because of the mattresses' strange odor of miscured sisal, the handy homemaker can cover the otherwise-perfect 510-coil mattress so that it will give years of odor-free comfort and sound sleep."

Off & Running. In London, Accountant Francis George Swain, 46, got a two-year prison stretch for embezzling about $8,400 in animal-welfare funds from the Blue Cross-Our Dumb Friends League, got no leniency for having shot the wad betting on such dumb friends as greyhounds and race horses.

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