Mrs. Minister

"Don't marry a minister unless you have passed the inspection and educational qualifications demanded by district superintendent, bishop, laymen, preacher, et al. Then think again."

This word of warning was uttered by someone who knows--an anonymous U.S. minister's wife, one of thousands canvassed in a three-year study now being conducted by Presbyterian William G. Douglas, 35, assistant professor ,of psychology of religion at Boston University's School of Theology. Psychologist Douglas is only a third of the way through "Project MW," which will eventually include material from one in every 20 ministers' wives in the U.S., but his detailed questionnaires and interviews have already yielded notable returns.

On the Pedestal. On the whole, says Dr. Douglas, ministers' wives feel that their lives have been enriched by their husbands' work. But many are irked at the tendency of congregations to put them on a pedestal. "In one of our parishes," wrote one, "the ladies shoved me out of the kitchen, saying, 'We don't feel that the minister's wife should have to wash dishes.' In another parish everyone else went home, leaving the minister and myself doing all the dishes after a reception."

In a summary of the findings to date, written by Douglas in the form of a "Memo from a Minister's Wife," the typical MW tells the congregation: "Please realize that my husband's vocation does not automatically make me an inspirational speaker, or confident group leader, or talented singer, or piano player, or even church schoolteacher . . ."

Hearing of the Douglas survey, some prominent MWs have given their own opinions. The wife of President Eisenhower's Presbyterian pastor, Mrs. Edward L. R. Elson, is impatient with any talk about the difficulties involved: "I think they're all dividends, myself." Mrs. John Wesley Lord, wife of the Resident Methodist Bishop in the Boston Area, agrees that "the satisfactions are unique and abundant. A minister's wife has a whole congregation to love and call hers. And she's also blessed with the services of the best doctors, dentists, and other professional men in the community--and often free of charge." Says Mrs. Edwin T. Dahlberg, married (for 41 years) to the president of the National Council of Churches: "When you go to a new town, everybody is there to welcome you. You have people's confidence."

In the Goldfish Bowl. Minister Douglas (himself married for eight years) came across surprisingly few complaints about the two stock ministerial miseries: low salaries and goldfish-bowl living. On the other hand, one MW problem he did not expect to find with such frequency is the wife's own need for pastoral counseling.

"So often you are too tired at the end of a wearing day either to share your thoughts with me or to listen to mine," his typical MW writes to her husband. "Often I am in need of someone to listen to my problems, to answer my spiritual questions, and to fill my emotional needs. To whom can I turn if you are not my pastor as well as my husband? I wonder sometimes if in the concentration on your professional duties, our own religious life is not in danger of becoming superficial and mechanical."

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