Pat, Pop & Bingo

In country club and corner bar there was a new--or warmed-over--election story to fit every audience. Among the printable:

P: In Boston, a barfly ordered a Kennedy cocktail: America on the rocks.

P: In New York, insiders report that Pat Nixon phoned the White House during a Washington rainstorm and asked: "Mamie, are you sure the windows are closed?"

P: In New Orleans, resigned Republicans were saying: "We had eight years of piano playing, eight years of golf, and now we'll have four years of bingo."

P: In Denver, they say that the Kennedys have picked a name for their new baby: Martin Luther Kennedy.

P: In Los Angeles, beatniks report that the latest nationwide polls show that 30% can't stand Kennedy, 30% can't stand Nixon, and 40% are undecided.

P: In Chicago, there is a new campaign slogan: "Attend the church of your choice --while there's still time."

P: In St. Louis, the report is that Old Joe Kennedy told Young Jack: "Don't worry, son. If you lose the election, I'll buy you a country."

P: In Dallas, Texans say that they know what Jack Kennedy plans to do with all those hard-shelled Baptists if he wins: "He'll make them ride in the back of the buses."

P: In Detroit, Comic Mort Sahl mused: "It wasn't Kennedy who made the real rebuttal to Norman Vincent Peale and those Protestant ministers. It was Adlai Stevenson when he was in St. Paul. Adlai said he found St. Paul appealing and Peale appalling." Then he added: "These can't be the original candidates--they must be the road company." P: In Los Angeles, the newest bumper strip rejoices: "BE THANKFUL ONLY ONE CAN WIN."

P: In Washington, so the story goes, Republican top strategists huddled, and all were glum indeed--except one. "I'm sure we'll win, there's no doubt about it," he enthused. Everyone wanted to know the reason for his confidence. Answer: "I have a deep and abiding faith in the fundamental bigotry of the American people."

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