The Perfect Platform

OPINION The Perfect Platform Amid all the Republican noncandidates, Clare Boothe Luce last week went out of her way to reveal that she too is not a candidate. In a witty, Associated Press interview, the former Connecticut Congresswoman and U.S. Ambassador to Italy quipped: "I'd enter the New Hampshire primary in a minute if I had a campaign manager, an organization and a political base. I've certainly got the program." That program turned out to be, at the very least, that rarity in American politics--crackling satire. Among its planks: > I am for the 35-hour week without any increase in labor costs. I favor a college education for everyone regardless of race, creed or pre-entrance intelligence quotas. I am for lifting everyone off the social bottom. In fact, I am for doing away with the social bottom altogether.

>I am for victory in Viet Nam without any increase in U.S. casualties or expenditures. I am also for neutralization of Viet Nam as soon as General de Gaulle apologizes for having suggested it. I am for raising living standards of the world by deep and judicious pruning of United States aid. I am for doing away with all military juntas except those we bring into power. > I am for the sovereignty of Panama in the Canal Zone under the American flag. I am for the stabilizing of all governments of South America while allowing full scope for the natural revolutionary fervor of the people. I am for treating Latin America as a whole, never forgetting for a moment that each of our Latin American neighbors is quite different from the other. In relation to Cuba, I am for the liberation of Cuba without firing a shot. I feel that it is wholly possible we soon will be able to shave Castro's beard by means of laser rays.

>I am for birth control methods acceptable to all nations and religions, this to be reached by international agreement safeguarded by regular inspection of the reproduction mechanism of the population bomb. I am for harmless cigarettes, still using the same old rich, flavorful tobacco. I am for a vigorous two-party system in which my party will control the White House, all the governorships and over 75% of Congress. > Wherever there is trouble I shall go --and I shall return.

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