The Splice Is Right

"Senator, do you think the Republican Party will stage a comeback in 1968?" The question came from Veteran News Commentator John Cameron Swayze, and Senate Minority Leader Everett Dirksen fielded it suavely: "I know no reason why it should."

"Well, do you see a candidate emerging for 1968?"

"No, I don't," Dirksen intoned mellifluously.

"Well then, where do you think the Republican candidate will come from in 1968?"

"Out of the woodwork."

By now it is clear that something is wildly, hilariously out of whack. Are the voices real? The answer is yes. Were the speakers recorded accurately? Again, yes. The catch is that Swayze's questions and Dirksen's responses were spliced together, out of context, from two separate tapes. The result is a new comedy album, Welcome to the L.B.J. Ranch, created by Gag Writer Earle Doud, that in two weeks has sold some 500,000 copies and bids fair to rival Doud's earlier spoof, The First Family (with Vaughn Meader as J.F.K.).

To get the splices just right, Doud and Co-Producer Alen Robin listened to 36 miles of taped interviews to clip out their answers, lined up such easy-to-recognize voices as Swayze and Westbrook Van Voorhis to put the questions. Not every exchange comes off; some are forced, obvious or needlessly raw. But the record does capture some high moments and victims:

-- BOBBY KENNEDY. "Do you think your brother Teddy will one day be President?" "If he wants to join me where I'm going, I'd be glad to have him along."

> NELSON ROCKEFELLER. "Could you tell us what are the duties of the Governor of New York?" "I haven't the slightest idea." "What are you planning to give your wife for her next birthday?" "The State of Connecticut and the State of New York . . ." The Governor is interrupted: "Did I understand you correctly--you're going to give your wife . . ." Rocky: "Both states [hesitation] and the people in those two states."

> LYNDON JOHNSON. "As a continuing example of your defense policies, who in the years to come will be guarding our eastern coast against Russian submarines?" "Thirty-five [pause] Cuban fishermen." "Would you say that Hubert Humphrey has been a good Vice President?" "Yesterday was quite encouraging." "Could you tell us what Humphrey's middle name is?" "Prudence."

> LADY BIRD JOHNSON (conducting a White House tour). "Who actually keeps this place clean for you?" "The wives of Senators . . ." "Is this the bedroom where you and the President sleep?" "Yes. War was declared twice in this room." "Why do all those great masterpiece portraits have mustaches penciled on them?" "Could you say no to the President?"

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