Ploys for the Pious

Becoming a Christian may be primarily an act of commitment and faith, but it also means joining a lifelong sport with its own peculiar rules for success.

That, at any rate, is the view expressed in a sprightly new satire called Games Christians Play (Harper & Row; $3.50).

The authors, Protestant Housewives Judi Culbertson and Patti Bard, define some of the more popular plonks, gambits and counterploys:

.Mary Martyr is a game in which women excel. The participant undertakes all manner of thankless tasks with no sign of complaint, "except for the darkening circles under her eyes," until some kind soul "tries to relieve her of her overload--which ruins everything."*

.I'd Love to, But . . ., the opposite of Mary Martyr is played in response to heartfelt appeals for help in church work ("I'd love to, but I have seven children under four").

.Trophy is a status game made to order for "any former convict, opera singer, socialite, movie star, headhunter, football hero, or participant in the St. Valentine's Day Massacre, who has been dramatically converted. You will be able to spend the rest of your life singing, touring and 'giving your testimony' at Christian banquets and youth rallies. You will be interviewed by Sunday School people and, perhaps, have a movie made of your life."

.Perfect Christian Response is a counterploy to rebel youths who suspect that the game may not be worth the candle. "If you're a Christian," asks the Rebel Youth, "how come you live in a $60,000 house, have two cars, a color television set, and a cleaning woman? Didn't Christ preach against materialism?" The solemn Perfect Christian Response: "Suppose everyone did sell his belongings. Do you honestly think that people of means would be attracted to such a shoddy, lower-class type of Christianity?"

To be sure, the authors concede, one can also live as a Christian by "the old, laborious, tried-and-true method of being kind to your neighbor, working like a dog, tithing, witnessing, living peaceably with all men." But, they conclude, "if you can play the games right, you won't have to bother with all that."

*Mary Martyr's spiritual sister is the teardabbing heroine of Dan Greenburg's How to Be a Jewish Mother, whose "Technique of Basic Suffering" ranges from mastering the "proper position of hands during execution of daily sigh" to staying up all night "to prepare a big breakfast" for the family.

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