FROM "THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY"

Alone: In bad company.

Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence.

Back: That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.

Birth: The first and direst of all disasters.

Brain: In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, brain is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Conservative: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.

Diplomacy: The art and business of lying for one's country.

Distress: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.

Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.

Fidelity: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.

Friendship: A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul.

Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

Husband: One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the plate.

Immoral: Inexpedient.

Learning: The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

Martyr: One who moves along the line of least reluctance to a desired death.

Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.

Mercy: An attribute beloved of detected offenders.

Mine: Belonging to me if I can hold or seize it.

Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.

Neighbor: One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.

Novel: A short story padded.

Orphan: A living person whom death has deprived of the power of filial ingratitude.

Patience: A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.

Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.

Radicalism: Conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today.

Success: The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows.

Truce: Friendship.

War: A by-product of the arts of peace.

Zeal: A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced.

This file is automatically generated by a robot program, so reader's discretion is required.