BLINTZKRIEG

WHETHER in tribulation or triumph, the Jews over the centuries have learned to extract a laugh from almost any event. Last week, acting as the unofficial humor makers of America, they produced a rapid-fire chain of chutzpa-laced jokes about the Middle East conflict that flew as swiftly as a Jewish Superman (see cut). Their comic chronology of the war:

Early in the week, the fastest thing in the world was an Israeli in a kayak in the Aqaba Gulf; by week's end, it was an Arab with his shoes off.

"It's unfair," said a U.A.R. spokesman. "They have 2,300,000 Jews on their side. And we have none." He denied, however, that Egypt had asked the Russians for their 2,500,000 Jews. Soon after the war's start, Nasser made a brief guest appearance on the popular Cairo TV show, Where's My Line? Reports from the second day of fighting indicated that the Egyptians had destroyed four Jeeps, a kosher mobile kitchen and 14 air-conditioned Cadillacs. The Israelis claimed 400 MIGs and 24 flying carpets. Ralph Nader launched a campaign to provide Arab tanks with back-up lights.

The unstoppable Israeli thrust through the Sinai Desert quickly became known as the blintzkrieg. It was led by the crack regiment known as the Bagel Lancers. When Israeli troops reached the Suez Canal, they grabbed the lox. At one point in the campaign, an Arab division spotted a lone Israeli sniper on a sand dune. The commander dispatched three men to get him. When they did not return, he sent a dozen. None of them came back. So he finally sent an entire company. Two hours later, one blood-splattered Egyptian soldier crawled back. "It was an ambush," he explained. "There were two of them."

"It was our finest hour," boasted an Israeli spokesman. "Or did it take longer than that?" Darryl Zanuck announced plans for a zillion-dollar war movie entitled The Shortest Day. Cassius Clay, the erstwhile Muhammad Ali, changed his name to Morris Steinberg. Ten bar mitzvahs were scheduled at the Nile Hilton, and Jennie Grossinger agreed to manage the hotel.

Jealous of Moshe Dayan's stunningly quick victory, South Viet Nam's Premier Ky asked him how he did it. "Well, to start with," said the Israeli Defense Minister, "it helps if you can arrange to fight against Arabs." Lyndon Johnson personally sent a black eyepatch to General Westmoreland. Nasser quit, but Levi Eshkol refused to accept his resignation. At week's end, the New York Times ran a full-page ad for Israel's El Al Airlines: VISIT ISRAEL AND SEE THE PYRAMIDS.

This file is automatically generated by a robot program, so reader's discretion is required.