Sex and 5 O'clock Shadow

The identity of the author of this communication has been suppressed for reasons which may be self-evident, but the author, whose work has been vouched for by a colleague, has answered a number of questions raised by a referee.

With this sober explanation, the staid British science journal Nature published a paper by a Cambridge University scientist who has reached a remarkable conclusion: the rate of growth of the male's beard seems to be related to his sexual activity.

The anonymous scientist, who is a bachelor, had been living and working for weeks at a time on a remote island; no women were on hand to distract him. In these monastic circumstances, he soon noticed an intriguing phenomenon: his beard was growing less rapidly than normal. Furthermore, on the day before each of his periodic returns to the mainland and reunions with a receptive female (also unidentified), his facial hair began to sprout at a prodigious rate. The implications were staggering. Could the mere thought of sex stimulate a darker 5 o'clock shadow?

Seeking the answer, the scientist set up an experiment in which he eagerly served as a guinea pig. After each daily shave with an electric razor, he meticulously collected and weighed the amount of hair that had been removed. He also devised a zero-to-five scale for rating each day's activities--including mental and physical exertion, degree of nervousness, amount of sleep and occurrence of intercourse.

The results were as unmistakable as the fuzz on his face. By Friday, as the weekend intimacies approached, his beard growth had increased by nearly 20% over its midweek rate. But after his sexual needs were fulfilled, hair growth abated. On Monday, in fact, his stubble was shorter than on any other day of the week.

The reason for this phenomenon is apparently rooted in hormonal activities. Facial hair, a secondary male sexual characteristic, is largely governed by production of male hormones called androgens. Indeed, one of these compounds --testosterone--is known to be secreted by the testicles in greater quantities during intercourse. The bachelor scientist's experiment suggests that there is a release of androgens even with the anticipation of sex. "Even the presence of particular female company in the absence of intercourse, after a period of separation, usually caused an obvious increase in beard growth." As a byproduct of his research, the scientist also found that increased beard growth was associated with tension, mental fatigue, alcohol and increased shaving. On the other hand, it is apparently curtailed by heavy exercise and high temperatures.

Do the findings of the anonymous researcher have any scientific value? "It seems," he concludes in proper scientific jargon, "that beard growth in a man is a much-neglected parameter of hormone activity that can readily be quantified."

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