Some Tips on Coping with Parents

Henry Muller, son of a San Francisco physician, is a 23-year-old TIME reporter who has lately pondered the declining art of getting through to parents. His advice:

I HAVE never been busted for pot, my hair doesn't brush my shoulders, and you won't catch me nude in the park. I am so straight, in fact, that I actually have a job. Yet despite my failure to display the more flamboyant trademarks of the Aquarian generation, I find myself on the far side of a communications gulf born of the 30-year difference between my parents and myself.

We spar over My Lai 4 and the Chicago Seven, guaranteed incomes and Women's Lib; our tastes for entertainment have little in common; our views on America's changing mores are worlds apart; and my hair is still longer than my father's. But these differences have not severed the link between us. Disagreement is inevitable, but we are not estranged. For this, credit is due to my parents' patience. Communication, however, remains a two-way street. Here are some tactics that have proved successful in lessening the conflicts:

> Chances are that parents will never like Janis Joplin or Country Joe and the Fish, no matter how many times you insist they're outasight. So save your confrontations for topics that you consider important.

>To someone over 30, "rapping" just means knocking on wood; so steer away from contemporary jargon, a semantic roadblock that can easily alienate those who don't understand it. N.B.: lay off the word "fascist" unless you're describing Mussolini.

> Look for opinions you have in common. Talk about ecology, for example.

> When you decide to have it out on an issue, make sure you know what you're talking about. There's no quicker way to lose credibility than to be caught with unresearched facts or specious reasoning.

> Everyone knows this generation is supposed to be better educated and more intelligent than the last. If you find yourself mouthing this cliche, then it must be because your talents aren't obvious.

>Avoid emotional antics, like losing your temper. They play into the hands of parents looking for an opportunity to brand the Woodstock set immature and therefore incapable of being dealt with on an equal basis.

> Parents derive pleasure from reliving their own youth through the experiences of their offspring. Give them this treat by clueing them in on the unimportant things you do. You'll soon find that talking about trivia keeps the gears of communication oiled.

> Try seeing it from their point of view, if only occasionally. They've been around for 40 or 50 years and may be having trouble keeping up with the accelerating pace of events. Imagine what you'll be like after enduring half a century on this globe.

> There is a limit to how much you can proselytize. After a certain point, you simply have to assume that parents are educated, intelligent people able to make reasoned decisions. Your task isn't to convert everyone to uniform thinking, but rather to provide the insights by which different points of view can be judged on their merits.

> Discourage them from adopting the affectations of the young. Tell them that parents in button-down shirts are beautiful, but that an old man in bell-bottoms looks ridiculous.

> Give yourself the ultimate test of open-mindedness. If you're 20, see how easily you can talk with someone 15. And if you're 15, try it with a twelve-year-old. Meanwhile, ask your parents to take time to talk to their progeny.

> Finally, don't patronize your parents, even though some of the foregoing surely sounds patronizing.

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