A Hellish Heaven

Which is hotter, heaven or hell?

That question, seemingly appropriate for medieval theological tomes, is raised this month in a highly unlikely place: the current issue of Applied Optics. Even more surprising, the usually serious technical journal gives tongue-in-cheek scientific arguments to provide a totally unexpected answer.

Citing as its source "an unnamed environmental physicist of several decades back," Applied Optics points out that the temperature of heaven (considered by the ancients to be the entire firmament, including sun, moon and stars) can be accurately computed from data available in the Bible. The data can be found in an Old Testament passage from Isaiah 30:26 that defines the total light radiated heavenward by the sun and the moon in terms of the portion of that light that hits the earth: "Moreover, the light of the moon shall be as the light of the sun, and the light of the sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days." Thus, according to modern interpretation, heaven receives from the moon as much radiation as the earth gets from the sun. In addition, heaven receives seven times seven (49 times) more solar radiation than does the earth. The total received by heaven must therefore be 50 times that received by earth.

Assuming that the temperature of heaven remains constant, Applied Optics says, heaven must also lose by radiation 50 times as much heat as does the earth. Then, with the absolute temperature of the earth known, it is a simple task to calculate* the precise temperature of heaven: a scorching 977DEG F. And the temperature of hell? The journal takes its cue from a line in Revelation 21:8: "But the fearful and unbelieving shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." Since brimstone boils at 833DEG F., hell must be somewhat cooler than that; if it were not, it would be a vapor, not a lake. Thus, Applied Optics' unnamed scientist concludes with scientific conviction, heaven is hotter than hell by at least 144DEG.

*With the help of a formula known as the Stefan-Boltzmann fourth-power law for radiation.

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