The Waterbury Tales

AMERICAN NOTES

Watergate has spawned a veritable cottage-cheese industry of humor, parody, songs and stories, all looking for the bright aside on one of the nation 's darker episodes. Perhaps the brightest and best of the topical genre appeared last week in the New Republic, written by Chicago's Judith Wax, 42, a humorist best known for her annual summaries in verse of the year's news in Playboy. Her model was Chaucer, who would surely have understood Watergate as well as any other bygone man, and her mode mock Middle English, including pseudoscholarly footnotes.

Whan that Junne with hys sunshyn soote The Capitol hath dazzled to the roote And blossoms bloome on the cherry, Then folk break in and bugge Waterbury.

A good WYF was ther, Mr. Mitchell's owne, Wel koude she carp upon hir telephone. She lyk to tel the papers, quote-unquote: "Dorst noon can mak myn housband a scapegoate."

The MITCHELL was a stout and placyd type, Ful byg he was, and suckyn on hys pype. "The Whyt Hous Horrors had not my accorde, But all was mete to reelect Milord."

The CHAIRMAN oft wolde set hys brows to crymple. He clept hymself a Country Lawyer Symple. A badde man or fals wolde hym mak syckyn, Men koud hym trust for used car or fryd chyckyn.^1

The BAKER was a faire and deep-voicd boye, Had wed of royl blood from Illinoye. So certeynly didst Howyrd pleas the crowd, A star was born (lyk Lancelot of Loud).

A CLERK OF LAW was too, a John of DEANE, He borrowed gold to wed the Maid Maureene. Hys memory was ful; of dates koude answyr, "I warned Milord," quod he, "of Creepyng Cancyr."

The LYDDY has a mustache and byg chartyse For kydnappyngs and wyrtaps and tartyse.^2 What tale koud tell? Is thys some kind of Nutte? In gaol y-sits and keeps hys lippes shutte.

ULASEWICZ ther also was, forsooth, Koud wel hide gold in any olde phone booth. Koud gette Hernya (shold watch hys steppen). From so much hevy laundry bags y-schleppen.

The LORD he reigned in Ov1 Ofys^3 sphere, Ful oft strove he to mak thyngs parfait clere.4 But wonder, though it get him legal scrapes, He, verraily, refus to clere The Tapyse.

A HALDEMAN ther came, a crew-cutoon, Foks seyd he ran the Whyt Hous lik a Hun. But strang, whan he befor Committee satte, So mild was he as any pussye catte.

The EHRLICHMAN explan the word "coverte," (He look lyk he eat babys for desserte). He trow, to sav the Nation from the Pynkes, "Milord hath Rights Divine to burgl Shrynkes."5

Thus spak the PATRYK GRAY, a baldyng guye, "Ful wel I loved to serv the FBYe, But shame, I burnd the fyls and sore hav synnd And dizzy-grow from hangyn slow, slow in the wynd." Thys was the merrye crew, on TV cache. And who can say if cumen in impeache? Nor yet whych man will ansyr to what cry me? No oon can know, at Thysse Poynt in Tyme.

1 A holy bird thought to have first been discovered by the White Knight of Sanders. Even the simplest peasants undertook frequent pilgrimages to its shrines, hoping to bring home enough bones for the whole family.

2 Hookyrs.

3 'Scholars disagree on exact translation. Some say it is "Oval" (i.e., a place where you can't be cornered). Others claim, "Offal" (bawdy) or "Awful," (rare).

4 That is, except when he mak thyngs parfait obscur.

5 ln medieval times, a doctor thought to be of help in "gettyng thy hed togethyr."

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