Late Late Show flop of the week: John Kelly of Philadelphia, ineligible for England's Henley Diamond Sculls more than 50 years ago because he had worked with his hands as a bricklayer, returned to haunt the hoity-toity British in the person of his lissome granddaughter Princess Caroline of Monaco, 17. That was roughly the plot the Philadelphia Inquirer reported last week in a story that said Prince Charles of England, 25, was swept off his feet by Caroline. The pair got together presumably last year when she attended a convent school near Windsor Castle. The problems were even more alluring. As head of the Church of England, Charles can only marry an Anglican. Would he renounce his throne for Roman Catholic Caroline? Or would she be converted? The answer from Buckingham Palace and Monaco's royal palace was unanimous: No. In fact, Charles, now on naval duty in the Far East, and Caroline, a student at a Paris convent school, have never met. --:Admirers of the 1930s movie Ecstasy liked the unadorned way Hedy Lamarr took to the water-but they might be surprised to learn that Hedy, now sixtyish, has genuine nautical skills. She is co-inventor of a system for guiding torpedoes to their targets that was considered for use in World War II. This news conies from Intellectual Property Owners, Inc., which is celebrating National Inventors Day, Feb. 11, by publicizing the nation's 4 million Rube Goldbergs. Says Hedy, who has toyed with several inventions, "Improving things comes naturally to me."

--Usually a canny political fighter, San Francisco Mayor and Democratic Gubernatorial Hopeful Joseph Alioto, 58, has been floored-by his wife. Increasingly frustrated by Joe's passionate politicking, Angelina, 58, went AWOL in January because she felt abandoned when Joe left her in Palm Springs to resume his mayoral duties. After 16 days, Alioto finally announced her disappearance last week. Immediately, Angelina popped up in Santa Cruz on a tour of California missions, and fully exploited her tactical victory. Firmly holding Joe's hand in their San Francisco home, she complained to the press about a domestic credibility gap. "He doesn't always tell me the truth," she said. A worn-looking Joe, the son of an immigrant Sicilian fisherman, suggested: "Perhaps I come from a background where we were a little overprotective of our wives." "Overly protected?" Angelina snapped. "I feel neglected."

--Senator Edward Kennedy confesses that he has always been "terribly squeamish" about illness. But, determined that son Teddy will have tender care, he plans to take on a nurse's role. The boy will need chemotherapeutic injections for a time to ward off a recurrence of the cancer that necessitated amputation of his leg last November. Doctors suggested that a nurse visit the Kennedy home, but the Senator demurred. Instead, he is learning to wield the needle himself so that he can give the painful and unsettling treatments and help allay the boy's fears.

--When Actor Donald Sutherland, 37, was signed for Paramount's movie The Day of the Locust last August, he asked for and got an unusual clause in his contract: paternity leave. It seems that Actress Francine Racette, 27, with whom he had been living for two years, was expecting. To prepare for the baby's birth, the couple studied the Bradley method, a natural-birth technique in which the father helps deliver the child. Last week, when Francine's labor began, he took her to West Park Hospital in Los Angeles County and provided last-minute coaching before assisting into the world their 8-lb. 13-oz. son.

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