Attila's Inner Circle

Odd, isn't it, how practically everybody in Richard Nixon's inner circle now claims, "I was never really close to him"? The phrase, or something like it, pops up in The Final Days and in the novel ground out by newly minted Author John Ehrlichman; Knopf only knows where it will appear next. All of which prompted Christian Science Monitor Columnist-at-Large (and TIME Books Contributor) Melvin Maddocks to weigh in last week with excerpts from a recently discovered 5th century manuscript titled I Was Never Really Close to Attila the Hun. Samples:

"Attila was a moody man . . . Nobody truly knew him except his mother, who sent him two hair shirts every winter . . ."

"A lot of people have said Attila was none too bright . . . Some of his aides called him 'Turniphead' behind his back . . . I never called him that, though I have to admit that the subtleties of foreign relations were definitely not his forte . . ."

"Meat went right to his head. After only one roast boar he'd begin talking wildly about what he'd do to the Romans. I remember once, when two or three of us were aboard his five-man kayak on the Rhine, he stood up, shaking his leg of antelope, and boasted how he was going to get those effete unprintables! He had a carving knife in his free hand and this really sincere look in his eyes, and I don't know what would have happened if the kayak hadn't tipped over."

"In justice to Attila, he honestly did want to make the world safe for Huns . . . When I found out what a weak, pitiable man he really was, I felt it my duty. . . to stay around the White Tent and keep things from getting completely out of control. For I was the only moderating influence. . . I kept saying: 'All right. Kill the women, Attila. But why can't we spare children under four?' " You get the idea.

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