Male Fantasies

Men want women more than women want men

The stranger knocks at the door. When the woman opens it, he pushes his way in, ties her up and rapes her--gently. That forced-sex fantasy, or something like it, is one of the most common sexual daydreams of American women. Masters and Johnson say it is second only to fantasizing about sex with a different partner. Author Nancy Friday, the diligent collector of female fantasies (My Secret Garden, Forbidden Flowers) says it is second to none.

The same kind of daydream may also be No. 1 among men. Friday's new collection of male fantasies, Men in Love (due next month from Delacorte), comes to the surprising conclusion that men generally prefer to fantasize about being subjugated by a powerful woman. Says Friday: "Ninetynine percent of the sadomasochistic fantasies were masochistic ones. Men just don't want to dominate women in their fantasies."

Even in the few reported sadistic fantasies, Friday found men looking for women's approval. "A man might fantasize using softly padded handcuffs on a woman, so he won't hurt her wrists, or make sure that she enjoys the rape and has plenty of orgasms." What seems to be the theme of the masochistic fantasies, she says, is the need to placate a strong woman. Her guess is that the fantasy is built around the early memory of a powerful mother and the universal male frustration with women's naysaying to men's sexual overtures. Says Friday: "If he is careful, listens to the woman's rules and suppresses his anger, he will be rewarded with sex and love. It is the formula for masochism."

Friday appealed to male readers of her second book to send her their fantasies. The new book details 200 of the more than 3,000 fantasies sent in, and though they are hardly a random sampling, she thinks it gives a fair idea of what men daydream about. To check that impression, she took a job anonymously as a sex-fantasy columnist for a girlie magazine; sure enough, the fantasies sent in during her yearlong stint were much the same as those from readers of her book. She found that the sexually voracious woman is one of the most popular themes, as is the fantasy of performing oral sex. Unlike women, who prefer fantasies of sex with faceless strangers, men's fantasy partners are almost always specific individuals, she says.

Though Friday was stunned at first by some of the aggressiveness and language of the male fantasies, she came away from the project with a high opinion of men. "Men really are generous, not so conditional about offering love and sex," she says. "Women are withholding. Everything we give, we give with strings attached--'I'll love you if you do this, but not if you go too far,' or, 'I'll love you if you marry me.' The man always has to pay, but with all that pushing away, he persists. It's persuaded me that men want women more than women want men." To Friday, fantasies are not just inner movies that add spice to sex. Their function is to deal with the mix of frustration, love and rage that men feel toward women. Says Friday: "At least for a sexual moment, magic is called in, reality altered, the perceived nature of woman changed and the conflict is healed."

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