By Guy D. Garcia

Rock fans may find it shocking, but Frank Zappa, 43, the bent mind behind Weasels Ripped My Flesh and Valley Girl, has gone legit. This week California's Berkeley Symphony Orchestra performs the world premiere of A Zappa Affair, a program of four short ballets. Zappa may have jettisoned the synthesizers and electric guitars, but he has kept his famous sense of the absurd. The ballets--titled Moe 'n' Herb's Vacation, Sinister Footwear, Bob in Dacron and Sad Jane--are performed by giant puppets attached to live performers. "There are a lot of things you can do with puppets that you can't do with dancers," explains Zappa. "In one scene a bartender gets so busy that he's torn in half. Most dancers would have a hard time with that one." Still, old-time Zappers who fear that the long-haired composer is about to change his record label to Deutsche Grammophon have nothing to fear. Says the mangy maestro: "I still enjoy making rock-'n'-roll records, and I have no intention of getting a tuxedo or a baton grafted onto my body."

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It was the most unglamorous role ever offered to her, but that did not stop Farrah Fawcett, 37, from starring in The Burning Bed. The TV movie concerns the true story of Francine Hughes, who endured vicious beatings by her husband until she finally murdered him. Fawcett was up to the acting demands of the part, but transforming the blond beauty into a convincingly battered wife was no easy task. "Her features are absolutely perfect," observes Makeup Artist Fred Blau. "It's like putting your foot through a Rembrandt." To make the star considerably less perfect, Blau darkened her eyes, created bruises on her cheeks, neck and arms, and added false, crooked teeth "to take away from her Pepsodent smile." The temporarily fallen angel had no regrets, however. Says Fawcett: "It would be depressing to go through life with the same hairdo."

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Her sporting activities have usually been confined to a day at the races or fishing in Scottish streams, but the Queen Mother, 83, can handle a cue when the occasion calls for it. While on a three-day tour of the Channel Islands, she popped into a young people's center in Jersey. There she was cheekily challenged to a game of pool by Karl Megaw, 17. The regal reply: "Certainly." As she lined up the shot, she murmured, "Wouldn't it be awful if I missed?," then proceeded to render the question academic as she slammed the ball into the side pocket. "I offered her a shot because I heard she played," said Megaw afterward. "You could see how good she is." Also impressed with the Queen Mum's technique was former U.K. Snooker Champion John Virgo. Said he: "She's a natural. If she had taken up the game a little earlier, she might have been a champ." Some say she is e'en now.

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It sounds like an '80s version of Father Knows Best, except in this case Dad is Ronald Reagan, 73, and the offspring in question is Activist-Actress Patti Davis, 31. The President has long been at odds with the liberal notions of his daughter, who once said that people ought not to be arrested for smoking marijuana and that there is nothing wrong with unmarried couples living together. Father-daughter relations were no doubt further strained when Patti recently announced her engagement to Paul Grilley, 25, a Los Angeles yoga instructor. In this week's Family Weekly magazine, the President commented on his daughter's lifestyle, saying: "I'm just sorry that spanking is out of fashion now." Given Patti's spunky history, look for the Administration to think it over, then announce an imminent new push for soft-voiced diplomacy over a show of force. --By Guy D. Garcia