Show Me the Way to Go Home

By Anastasia Toufexis

First Maggie, then 20, asked Stepmom and Dad if she could store a few boxes with them in Washington while she looked for another place to live. Then Maggie said she would like to move in to be with her boxes until her boyfriend Joe bought a condominium. Next Maggie asked whether Joe could move in "temporarily" until the condo deal was closed. When Lucy and Pablo Sanchez returned home from vacation last Christmas, they found their small living room crammed with his boxes and a second welcome mat next to their own on the front porch. Lucy Sanchez immediately did what any loving but put-upon parent would do: "I had a migraine," she says.

Such tales are becoming abundantly familiar as American parents are forced to make room for their adult children. "There is a naive notion that children grow up and leave home when they're 18, and the truth is far from that," says Sociologist Larry Bumpass of the University of Wisconsin in Madison. Today, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, 59% of men and 47% of women between 18 and 24 depend on their parents for housing, some living in college dorms but most at home. In 1970 the figures were 54% and 41%. Also, 14% of men and 8% of women ages 25 to 34 are dependent on their parents for housing, compared with 9.5% and 6.6% in 1970. "This is part of a major shift in the middle class," & declares Sociologist Allan Schnaiberg of Northwestern University. He should know: Schnaiberg's stepson, 19, moved back in after an absence of eight months.

Analysts cite a variety of reasons for this return to the nest. The marriage age is rising, a condition that makes home and its amenities particularly attractive to young people, say experts. A high divorce rate and a declining remarriage rate are sending economically pressed and emotionally battered survivors back to parental shelters. For some, the expense of an away-from-home college education has become so exorbitant that many students now attend local schools. Even after graduation, young people find their wings clipped by skyrocketing housing costs. Notes Sociologist Carlfred Broderick of the University of Southern California in Los Angeles, who has a son, 31, and a daughter, 27, in residence: "They are finding that the good life is not spontaneously generated out there."

Sallie Knighton, 26, moved back to her parents' suburban Atlanta home to save enough money to buy a car. Her job as a teacher provided only enough money to cover car payments and an additional loan she had taken out. Once the loan was paid off, she decided to take a crack at a modeling career. Living at home, says Knighton, continues to give her security and moral support. "If I had lived away," she says, "I would be miserable still teaching." Her mother concurs, "It's ridiculous for the kids to pay all that money for rent. It makes sense for kids to stay at home." Bradley Kulat, 25, makes about $20,000 a year as an equipment technician in a hospital. That is enough to support a modest household, but he chooses to live at his parents' split- level ranch house outside Chicago, as does his sister Pamela, 20, who commutes to a nearby college. He admits to expensive tastes. He recently bought an $8,000 car and also owns an $800 stereo system, a $300 ten-speed bike and an elegant wardrobe. Says his mother Evelyn: "It keeps you thinking younger, trying to keep up with them."

Sharing the family home requires adjustments for all. There are the hassles over bathrooms, telephones and privacy. Some families, however, manage the delicate balancing act. At 34, Esther Rodriguez dreaded returning to her parents' Denver home after three years of law school forced her $20,000 into debt. "I thought it was going to be a restriction on my independence," she recalls. Instead, she was touched when her father installed a desk and phone in the basement so she would have a private study. The Sanchez family too has made a success of the arrangement. Says Lucy Sanchez: "Family is family, and we believe and act on that." But for others, the setup proves too difficult. Michelle Del Turco, 24, of Englewood, Colo., a Denver suburb, has been home three times -- and left three times. "What I considered a social drink, my dad considered an alcohol problem," she explains. "He never liked anyone I dated, so I either had to sneak around or meet them at friends' houses."

Just how long should adult children live with their parents before moving on? Lucille Carlini of Brooklyn returned home with her two daughters after a divorce. That was almost twelve years ago. She is now 37 and her daughters 18 and 16. They still live with Carlini's mother Edie, who has welcomed having three generations in the same house. Still, most psychologists feel lengthy homecomings are a mistake. Offspring, struggling to establish separate identities, can wind up with "a sense of inadequacy, defeat and failure," says Kristine Kratz, a counselor with the Personal Development Institute in Los Angeles. And aging parents, who should be enjoying some financial and personal freedom, find themselves bogged down with responsibilities. Says Debra Umberson, a researcher at the University of Michigan: "Living with children of any age involves compromise and obligation, factors that can be detrimental to some aspects of well-being. All children, even adult children, require accommodation and create stress."

Brief visits, however, can work beneficially. Five years ago, Ellen Rancilio returned to the Detroit area to live with her father after her marriage broke up. She only stayed seven months, but "it made us much closer," she says. Indeed, the experience was so positive that she would not hesitate to put out the welcome mat when her own three sons are grown. Declares she: "If they needed help like I did, yes."

With reporting by Barbara Cornell/Washington, with other bureaus