Swinging -- And Ducking -- Singles Studies reveal widespread violence among unwed couples

By Andrea Sachs/New York

The first time it happened, the couple was arguing over a plate of undercooked eggs. When her boyfriend continued to complain about her culinary skills, Sue, a 32-year-old New York City artist, started to cry. "He couldn't handle it," she recalls. "He grabbed me and shoved me. I was really frightened, and I hit him with my fist." After that, their life together got worse. "His temper escalated. He'd grab my arms and hold me down, or throw things at me: tennis shoes, magazines, a book." She finally walked out, too humiliated to reveal the reason to her friends.

Sue's experience is far from unique. Psychologists and sociologists are finding that single couples can be surprisingly violent, especially those who set up housekeeping together before marriage. In almost two dozen recent studies, experts across the country estimate that an average of 30% of all unmarried individuals, whether dating, engaged or living together, have been involved in physical aggression with the opposite sex. "Courtship violence is a more serious problem than spouse abuse in our society," says James Makepeace, a professor of sociology at the College of St. Benedict in Minnesota. "Young people don't have the economic resources or power to get the help they need."

Most of the outbursts involve lower-level violence: pushing, shoving or slapping. But a small percentage of these couples engage in clashes that result in broken bones or hospitalization. "I thought there was no way out but death," says Laurie, 31, a student in Eugene, Ore., who used to hide in the closet to escape being battered by her live-in boyfriend. Elaine, a 36- year-old hairdresser in Fort Worth, tried to split up with her boyfriend, only to have him break into her house and brutally beat her.

Some findings confound expectations. For example, Patricia Gwartney-Gibbs, a sociology professor at the University of Oregon, has found that women are just as likely, if not more likely, to engage in lower-level violence. Many researchers hypothesize that women's acts of aggression are often in self- defense. Yet men, because of their greater strength, inflict more injuries. "When you are talking about severe violence, it's a man's court," says David Sugarman, a professor of psychology at Rhode Island College. Researchers have also discovered that the longer couples stay together, the more probable it is that violence will surface. Observes Daniel O'Leary, a professor of psychology at the State University of New York at Stony Brook: "The likelihood of aggression increases as the intensity of the romance gets stronger. It seems to peak in the year prior to marriage, then gradually decrease across time."

Couples who live together before marriage may be the most violent of all. In a new study, Professors Jan Stets and Murray Straus of the University of New Hampshire found that cohabiting couples show higher levels of aggression than either daters or married people. One reason, suggests Stets, is that such couples "may be more likely to be isolated from relatives. When violence occurs in such a relationship, it's less likely to be communicated to people who might intervene." Another factor may be that live-in arrangements, which are still not the norm, put added pressures on the couple. "It's possible that there's still a lingering stigma to living together," says Stets.

Since walking out the door is an obvious option to physical abuse, why do . singles stay in stormy relationships? "A big part of it is the phenomenon I call Too Much Invested to Quit," says James Koval, a therapist who counsels couples in Long Beach, Calif. "We as a society are focused on a product, and that product is a partner. To make a decision about leaving a relationship is extremely tumultuous because of the total sense of loss." Unwed couples also tend to hide their private violence from others -- perhaps even more so than marrieds. Says Abbie Meyering, a Dallas psychologist: "Violence runs from the light of day. By the time the aggression erupts, there's very often a high level of isolation, dependence and fear about letting it become public."

One solution, say many counselors, is to bring the problem into the open and force couples to confront their behavior. "A lot of violence is accepted as normal," says David Adams, a coordinator of the Dating Violence Intervention Project in Cambridge, Mass. "What we find in talking to high school kids is that they don't characterize a lot of what they're experiencing -- grabbing and slapping -- as violence." In order to raise the consciousness of young daters, the project's acting troupe visits local schools and puts on skits that present alternatives to courtship altercations. For example, a jealous boy learns to respect his girlfriend's need to socialize with others, rather than accusing her of unfaithfulness.

Therapists have also had success with written "no-hitting contracts," which lay out the ground rules for couples who are having trouble. Other techniques aim at making aggressors realize that their violence is unlikely to change their partners' personalities. Brian, 27, a Boston graduate student, came to see that his own unrealistic expectations were fueling his fists-first attitude. "I even had a list of five things I wanted my girlfriend to achieve," he recalls. "I'd count on my fingers and say, 'If I marry you, you'll have to do this, this and that.' "

Unfortunately, many couples affected by aggression refuse to seek help, often because they don't view their behavior as deviant. But, say experts, the cycle of violence should be taken seriously. "We need to look at the origins of marital abuse," says Therapist Koval. "The roots of marriage are not in the ceremony and the honeymoon but in the dating period." The best remedy of all may be for couples to take literally a favorite slogan of 1960s peace marchers: MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR.