If You Can't Beat Bush . . .

By Laurence I. Barrett/Washington

The date is July 14, 1992, the second night of the Democratic Convention. Because George Bush retains such a towering lead in opinion surveys that his re-election seems a foregone conclusion, no Democratic heavyweight has been willing to seek the nomination or even show up at the event. Several candidates who make the Seven Dwarfs of 1988 seem giants by comparison have competed for the devalued prize, but none has mustered the 2,144 votes needed for nomination.

Chaos reigns. Then Bob Strauss, the party's guru in chief, comes onto the podium. For President, he intones in a syrupy drawl, we must nominate a great American and my fellow Texan -- George Bush. During the stunned silence that follows, Strauss adds a cunning hook: For Vice President, we should select one of our young Democratic chargers, someone whose depth and experience compare favorably with Quayle's lack of same. American voters like to diffuse authority and have scant respect for Quayle. The Democratic ticket will win.

Unprecedented! shouts one delegate. Not at all, Strauss replies. You youngsters forget 1896, when both the Democrats and Populists nominated William Jennings Bryan for President but ran different men for Vice President.

Shameful! cries another delegate. Tut-tut, says Strauss. One of our own would be a heartbeat away from the Oval Office. And when people vote our slate, our candidates for lower offices will benefit. For the first time in many years, Democrats would have a recognized leader to rally behind, one who could unite the party in 1996.

Bush won't stand for it! yells a skeptic. Don't be so sure, Strauss replies with a knowing twinkle. Bush would rather be known as the first President by acclamation since Washington than as the guy who foisted Quayle on the G.O.P. in '96. And instead of campaigning for months, our First Jock can spend all his time on tennis, golf and the Cigarette boat.

The guru's wisdom grips the hall. Within hours, new placards appear: AL GORE FOR VEEP; DICK GEPHARDT KNOWS HOW TO BE NO. 2; BILL CLINTON IS CUTER THAN DAN QUAYLE. Corporate jets supplied by Strauss's legal clients fan out to fetch the prospects. The Democratic delegates rejoice; they have seen the future, and it is bipartisan.

Totally implausible? Of course, but also perfectly legal. The Draft Bush spoof is being circulated as black humor by underemployed Democratic consultants. As it bounces around, the notion has acquired variations. (A Republican spin: the Democrats try the ploy, but are so discombobulated that they nominate Tom Eagleton for Vice President.) Given the Democrats' performance in recent presidential elections, they could do far worse.