Best of 1991

1 BEST DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY NOT NAMED KENNEDY

The Jacksons, who proved you can never be too rich, too thin, too bleached, too naked, too . . . too Jackson to keep the gossips mum. Just sign a multimedia deal that could bring you a billion (Michael) or a record contract worth $32 million (Janet). Or pose nude in Playboy (La Toya). Or chastise your bro as "reconstructed, been abducted" in a rap song (Jermaine to Michael). Or put crotch shots and a car trashing in your music video (Michael). The worst of it is that on the side, a couple of them (Michael, Janet) make good music.

2. BEST OPENING LINE BY A COMEDIAN AFTER CHARGES OF MASTURBATING IN A PORN- MOVIE THEATER MADE HIM THE TARGET OF SIX WEEKS' WORTH OF SMIRKS

Pee-wee Herman's as he resurfaced at the televised MTV Music Video Awards show for the first time since his arrest: "Heard any good jokes lately?" Fans suggested that next time he stay home and amuse himself with some of Clarence Thomas' video favorites.

3. BEST REASON FOR A BROADWAY MUSICAL TO POSTPONE ITS OPENING INDEFINITELY

The saga of Nick & Nora, which played full-price previews for a near record nine weeks while its creators struggled to fix the show, derived from The Thin Man. Then, just a week after it opened to scorched-earth reviews, it was Asta la vista, Nick & Nora.

4. BEST TUMMIES

Demi Moore's and Delta Burke's. The Vanity Fair cover portrait of Moore, nude and spectacularly pregnant, provided her husband Bruce Willis (Hudson Hawk) with his only hit production of 1991. Burke, whose extra poundage sparked disputes backstage on Designing Women, was finally fired from the sitcom. Such is the weigh of all flesh.

! 5. BEST A LA CARTE ITEM ON THE DINNER MENU

Cabaret theater, at which audience members get to eat, join a conga line or be a murder suspect. Two Manhattan standouts: Pageant, which would be a delicious parody of beauty contests even if you didn't get to vote for the winner, and Song of Singapore, which would be a sparkling evocation of '40s music and fun even if you didn't get to dance the night away.

6. BEST REASON TO GO BOWLING

TV's ubiquitous sex talk. If it's not born-again transsexuals with psoriasis on Oprah and Phil or the latest investigative expose of swimsuits on A Current Affair, it's the R-rated dishing and dissing on Studs, the syndicated hit that is to the old Dating Game what Sodom was to Sparta. Call them all dirtysomething.

7. BEST UNSCHEDULED SOLILOQUY BY AN ACTOR

Nicol Williamson's in I Hate Hamlet, after the notoriously erratic performer smote co-star Evan Handler with the flat of his sword during a dueling scene, and Handler -- believing the blow was deliberate -- walked off and quit the show. "Well," said Williamson to the stunned audience, "should I sing?"

8. BEST NEW FACE

Katie Couric's. At first a Today show fill-in for wicked stepsister Deborah Norville, Couric stayed on to shine -- the understudy turned star -- and brought her perky common sense to the job of grilling politicians, tasting new recipes and coping with Bryant Gumbel.

9. BEST ARGUMENT THAT GOD IS FED UP WITH HOLLYWOOD

The plight of hitmaking movie studios. Carolco, producer of 1991's top- grossing Terminator 2, neared its own Armageddon and had to cut projects, budgets and staff. Orion Pictures, which released the megasmashes Dances with Wolves and The Silence of the Lambs, is in bankruptcy court.

10. BEST SLOW BURN

David Letterman's, on learning he would not replace Johnny Carson when the Tonight show king retires this May after 30 seasons. The job went to map-of- Italy-jawed Jay Leno, the permanent guest host of Tonight since 1987. The press had Letterman threatening to bolt to ABC, but the only removal constant viewers noted was that of his show's most popular segment, the 10 Best lists.