By Belinda Luscombe

OOH, THOSE MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR

The year is still new, but 1996 is beginning to smell a lot like another annus horribilis for Queen Elizabeth. First there's what tabloids have dubbed the Seven Words War between PRINCESS DIANA and her sons' nanny, ALEXANDRA ("TIGGY") LEGGE-BOURKE. At an otherwise perfectly festive staff Christmas party--Prince Charles sprays Silly String on staff members, they dump glitter on him--Diana allegedly made so odious a remark to Tiggy that the nanny's lawyer sent warnings to the press not to repeat it, and the Queen had to be assured that the remark was untrue. Possibly as a result of her lip, Diana's long-term private secretary resigned, followed by his assistant and the chauffeur. Meanwhile, a Church of Scotland minister announced that Diana's father Earl Spencer told him as a young man that he had dated Princess Elizabeth before she became QEII. And the Queen's other daughter-in-law had the honor of becoming the first royal-family member to be sued over a debt. A society hostess claims Sarah Ferguson owes her $142,500, money borrowed for a holiday in France. On the upside, Fergie's also the first royal to have had talks with CBS about having her own show.

CAN IT BE MAGIC?

MAGIC JOHNSON, multiplex mogul, investor and sometime coach, is coming back to basketball. Maybe. Rumors of Johnson's return have been rebounding since he retired in 1991. But this time the omens are promising. Johnson has talked to the nba and practiced with the Lakers over the past two weeks. As long as Magic transfers his 5% share of the team to someone else, the nba would have no objections. Nor, oddly enough, would Lakers coach Del Harris. The call rests with Johnson, who is not about to spill any beans: "Let's just say I haven't decided yet." GROWING UP GETTY

BALTHAZAR GETTY has just turned 21. He doesn't want to talk about whether that means he comes into big money from the estate of his as-rich-as-he-was-weird great-granddad Jean Paul Getty. But he has scored something: his first adult role. Having fully explored the shipwrecked-child genre in his first movie, Lord of the Flies, and the newly opened White Squall, Getty's the romantic lead in Lost Highway, the David Lynch movie being filmed in Death Valley. "It's a twisted love story between me and Patricia Arquette," says Getty. "It's got sex, love, murder--all the good stuff." When not making movies, Getty produces rap records and plays golf. In fact, life would be perfect if everyone could just drop the Getty thing. "It's a hassle," he says of his family name. "I don't try and hide it, but I'm doing my own thing."

SEEN & HEARD

For some reason, lots of people thought she was already pregnant. But Melanie Griffith is only just with her third child (each has a different father). Contributing half the chromosomes this time is Antonio Banderas. The previous donor was Don Johnson, the one before that Steven Bauer. At least she's trading up.