NICELY, NICELY

By CALVIN TRILLIN

In Houston, where this party was before, They bashed the gays and called for Holy War, Which they would fight until their dying breath. They scared a lot of voters half to death. With delegates and platform further right, Would San Diego show the zealots' might? Well, no. Unbashed went lesbians and gays. And even Martin Luther King got praise. So strong was the control of this convention, Abortion went without a prime-time mention. Buchanan, though his speaking skills are stellar, Was bound and gagged and hidden in the cellar.

And Haley Barbour hovered near To whisper in each speaker's ear, "The polls, my friend, will surely rise, If we can just de-Houstonize."

To show the world Republicans aren't scary Their speakers were like Susan Molinari, Who's ethnic as a garlic blintz con queso. And she's pro-choice, though she forgot to say so. Two blacks were at the mike, to great renown-- Which left not many blacks still sitting down. The Contract? They forgot it was their axis; They're just nice folks who want to cut your taxes. A scene inclusive as an ad for Gap, It could have caused a moderate to clap. She'd call her best friend on the phone and tell her, "They're nominating Nelson Rockefeller."

There's Haley Barbour scripting things. The soothing, silken song he sings: "It seems as clear as heck to me We need a Houstonectomy." Rejecting Mack, the Rust Belt Four, McCain, Dole picked Jack Kemp, a man who shares your pain

If you're an immigrant or poor or black. Or did, until they made him take it back. But even now Kemp fits the theme: He's nice. Though Dole's nice too this week, and more concise. (Dole's daughter Robin told the crowd he's pleasant. He was a dandy dad, though none too present.) And Dole himself, with admirable pith, Said bigots could just leave the hall forthwith. This showed the Houston spirit was no more: There was no sudden scramble for the door.

Then Barbour said, "I'm here to say You all have made me proud today. The wacko bashers now can't smite us: Our party's cured of Houstonitis."