IF ONLY WE ASKED...

By JEFF GREENFIELD

One of the reasons I respect the judgment of our professional political operatives is that they have never invited me to participate in a presidential debate. I'd never invite me either. Why not? Because before I took the veil of journalism, I was one of those operatives, spending days and nights drilling candidates with every conceivable question they could possibly expect--which means I have an arsenal of questions they could not possibly anticipate.

Most journalists do not understand how clever these operatives are. For instance, reporters think it fiendishly clever to ask the flip-flop question. ("Sir, in 1986 you voted to permit the building of falafel stands in the Grand Canyon. Last year you opposed the bill. Isn't there a contradiction here?" Correct response: "Not at all, Ted. You're overlooking a key distinction.")

Or they believe they can nail candidates for terminal elitism by asking them if they know the cost of a quart of milk or a dozen eggs. (Correct answer in nondairy states: "I don't know; I'm watching my cholesterol." Real correct answer: "Good God, man, I'm trying to figure out how to govern the world's most powerful nation, not win a slot on The Price Is Right.")

No, the arrows in my quiver are far sharper. For instance, you could assemble a roomful of Stephanopouli, lubricate them with tankards of Ailes, and they would not think of preparing a candidate for a question that truly tested their blend of cognitive and public-policy skills. To wit:

1) A train leaves New York City at 8 a.m., heading west at 90 m.p.h. Another train leaves Chicago an hour later, heading east at 80 m.p.h. When do the two trains meet, and how much should Amtrak subsidize them?

2) A 30-ft. flagpole casts a 20-ft. shadow. What is the length of the hypotenuse, and should the owner of the flag be permitted to burn it?

3) If one man can mow a 75-ft.-sq. patch of lawn in 90 min., how long would it take three men, and would an increase in the minimum wage have an adverse effect on their employability?

Well, you may object, why should we imagine that arithmetic ability has anything to do with being President? Well, it is exactly that attitude that has led us to some $5 trillion of debt, but let that pass. Even if these questions are ruled out of bounds, there is a more serious line of inquiry that would go a long way toward revealing their true selves:

What public or private act of yours are you most ashamed of, and why?

Tell us one of your favorite jokes.

If you could choose a President other than yourself, who would it be?

Name up to three of the most memorable moments in American sports.

If you believe Lee Harvey Oswald in fact acted alone, why do you think so many Americans reject that idea?

Do you believe in heaven and/or hell? What sort of places are they?

Are there any poems or songs that move you to tears? Why?

Not serious enough, you say? To the contrary: the answers would tell us far more about the mind of our next President than would 100 predigested responses on taxes and family values. And if you were a highly paid political operative, you would need such questions like you would need another nostril.