I WANT MY HOMEWORK!

By CALVIN TRILLIN

I read in the Chicago Tribune that the comic-book industry is in the tank; sales of the Superman/Batman group, for instance, have declined 72% in the past three years. Then I read in the New York Times that the record industry is in "one of the most perplexing crises it has faced in decades," with new albums by such well-known groups as Hootie & the Blowfish moldering on the shelves. Is it safe to assume that the young people of this country are finally concentrating on their homework?

To put the question another way, If both rock music and comic books fade from the scene, what are we going to blame for the failure of the young people of this country to concentrate on their homework?

For the foreseeable future, of course, most parents will probably continue to blame rock music and comic books, just out of habit. After all, a report a few years ago showing that young people were pretty much oblivious to the words of the songs they listened to had no effect on the fervor of the movement to protect impressionable teenagers from rock lyrics. The traditional homework dialogues between a teenager in his room and a parent at the bottom of the stairs will probably just continue without benefit of musical accompaniment:

"It's no wonder you never get your homework done, with that awful racket going on day and night. Turn it down this instant."

"But, Mom, there isn't any music playing. I don't even think music is cool anymore. People who buy Nirvana albums are dorks."

"I don't want to have to tell you again."

"I heard you the first time, Mom. I'm not having any trouble at all hearing you. It's very quiet up here."

"If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times."

Someone who sees the society in an irreversible downward spiral will presumably take it for granted that even if young people gave up video games and mindless sitcoms as well as comic books and rock music, it would only be because they'd found something dumber-- sewing their toes together in an ornamental fashion, maybe, or eating dirt. He'd respond to the stories I saw with a weary "So what?"

He would be ignoring the fact that economic forces connect us all. For instance, if the high school students who now work at fast-food outlets in order to get money for Batman comics and albums by Snoop Doggy Dogg no longer feel the need to buy Batman comics and albums by Snoop Doggy Dogg, they might quit their jobs and leave the rest of us waiting hours for our hamburgers. We might get tired of waiting and eat elsewhere, changing our fat intake in a way that endangers the entire diet industry. That's how free-market capitalism works.

There are other economic threats. Making and selling records is a $12 billion business. Three of the country's largest music chains have filed for bankruptcy in the past year and a half. The comic-book division of Marvel is firing a third of its work force; the company's stock has fallen 78% since March.

With jobs and real estate and investments at stake, it seems obvious what will happen. Parents will have to start encouraging their children to read comics and listen to rock music. "I don't know how you can say that about Nirvana, Billy," the forward-thinking mother will say to the son who thinks Nirvana is for dorks. "I think they're cool. If you had some of those nice rock albums playing along, you might be able to get your homework done."