NOTEBOOK

By CHARLOTTE FALTERMAYER, JANICE M. HOROWITZ, LINA LOFARO, JAMIE MALANOWSKI, J.F.O. MCALLISTER, EMILY MITCHELL, JODIE MORSE, MEGAN RUTHERFORD, JEFFERY C. RUBIN AND ALAIN L. SANDERS

WINNERS & LOSERS

EVERYONE OLD IS NEW AGAIN--AGAIN

[WINNERS]

LIZA MINNELLI Sizzle with a Z. After 12 years away, she's Broadway's darling diva in Victor/Victoria

THE PEOPLE'S COURT Here comes the judge. New York's ex-mayor Ed Koch presides when TV revives it this fall

HENRY JAMES Jane Austen had her cinematic moment. Portrait of a Lady gives the Master his star turn

[& LOSERS]

FRED ASTAIRE Dances with vacuum cleaners? TV ads digitize an ungainly partner for the elegant dancer

DON SUTTON Bad call. Nine votes keep the 324-game winner from election to baseball's Hall of Fame

ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER His musical based on the 1961 film Whistle Down the Wind is postponed. Needs retuning

HAIL TO THE HEAVENLY CHIEF

With the exception of the second swearing-in ceremony of George Washington, who made only the briefest of remarks (135 words), every Inaugural Address has contained at least one reference to God. Here's how long it took before some earthly Chief Executives took note of the Almighty

President Reference At Word...

GRANT (2ND) Providence 2 L. JOHNSON God 16 HOOVER God 28 EISENHOWER (1ST) Almighty God 41 KENNEDY Almighty God 54 CLINTON The Almighty 67 F.D.R. (4TH) God 114 CARTER God 141 BUSH Heavenly Father 203 WASHINGTON (1ST) Almighty Being 354 TRUMAN God 355 LINCOLN (2ND) God 370 MONROE (1ST) Divine Author 510 NIXON (2ND) God 745 REAGAN (2ND) God 969 JEFFERSON (2ND) Providence 1,152 HAYES Divine Hand 2,223 LINCOLN (1ST) Almighty Ruler 3,212 TAFT Almighty God 5,431 CLINTON (2ND) ? ?

BEAUTY BEFORE POLITICS

First the Inauguration, then the State of the Union. The White House settled on Feb. 5 for the President's big speech. But CBS said a long-standing contract obligated the network to televise the Miss USA pageant that evening. The White House mulled it over and elected to move the speech to Feb. 4. "Oh, Mr. McCurry! Were you all concerned that Clinton would lose viewers, or did the President, um, er, want to watch the pageant himself?"

MEMORABILIA MISCHIEF

Last week, the Presidential Inaugural Committee began hawking official souvenirs on the QVC-TV shopping network. But back in September, Brian Harlin, owner of a Washington memorabilia shop, had started selling his Inaugural trinkets to the public. The committee fired off a "cease-and-desist" letter. Harlin scooped it by applying for a trademark for the Inaugural seal seven weeks before the Clintonites did. Approval is pending for both sides. The U.S. Patent and Trademark office says that although the trademark has not been maintained, use determines rights. Hence, lack of a trademark registration does not preclude protection. So which is which?

HEALTH REPORT

THE GOOD NEWS

--Though their first few weeks of recovery may be more uncomfortable, cardiac patients who choose BYPASS SURGERY over less invasive angioplasty have an easier time with physical activity for the first few years after the procedure.

--Despite concerns that a link might exist, a Danish study concludes that an ABORTION is unlikely to raise a woman's risk of breast cancer. Scientists had feared that the abrupt change in hormone levels due to the procedure might promote the cancer.

--A new approach to IMPOTENCE: men can use an applicator to deposit a tiny pellet of prostaglandins--which stimulate blood flow--into the urethra. About 65% succeed in having sex.

THE BAD NEWS

--Breaking news about ordinary EYEGLASSES: they shatter surprisingly easily. A study shows that the force of a slow tennis ball was enough to damage most glass and plastic lenses. In fact, just one type held up: those made of polycarbonate plastic.

--When a simple procedure called a sigmoidoscopy reveals tiny polyps in the lower part of the COLON, doctors don't always follow up by examining the entire structure with a colonoscopy. Maybe they should. In 6% of patients with small polyps, a colonoscopy will detect larger, potentially malignant growths.

--Teenagers who smoke pot while on ANTIDEPRESSANTS such as Elavil can experience delirium or racing heartbeats.

Sources--GOOD NEWS: New England Journal of Medicine (1,2,3) BAD NEWS: Journal of the American Medical Association; New England Journal of Medicine; Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry

HOLY SMOKES

First there were the much-hyped cigar parties, then Demi Moore, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jack Nicholson puffing away on the cover of Cigar Aficionado. Cigar chic was everywhere, but where, oh where, were the cigars when you really needed them--like late at night? Now the latest yuppie affectation may become as accessible as candy bars. CIGARSir is the first-ever vending-machine humidor. The device accepts up to $100 bills as well as major credit cards. Unlike cigarettes, which the fda wants vended only in adult facilities, cigars are exempt from the agency's antismoking regulations. The machines, set to debut in a couple of posh D.C. restaurants next month, are also being marketed to golf courses, cruise ships, casinos and even supermarkets.

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

GARY LARSON, 46; SEATTLE, WASHINGTON; Cartoonist

After 14 years of penning his quirky cartoon, The Far Side, Larson retired two years ago, disappointing millions of fans who got their daily fix of the bizarre in 1,900 newspapers around the world. The Far Side's popularity, however, has never faded. Larson continues to rack up impressive sales of books (31 million), calendars (41 million) and greeting cards (80 million). An animated half-hour TV movie he produced two years ago, Gary Larson's Tales from the Far Side, was not a hit, but he is currently working on another. "In some ways my retirement backfired," he says. "I'm working harder than I ever did." He is also busy writing a children's book and studying jazz guitar. The bad news for fans: "I can't conceive of ever going back to The Far Side. It feels like something that had its moment." But there is consolation: "They just discovered 1,200 of my really early cartoons that haven't been republished...My last book was called Last Chapter and Worse, so maybe my next one could be I Lied: Here's Some More."