CLASS TRASH

By GARRY TRUDEAU

Well people, this is my final dispatch before the big 25th. As you know, I'll soon be turning over the class notes to the always capable TWIGG NELSON, so all future letters and cards should go to him c/o his ashram. In the meantime, I want to thank all the folks at the Alumni Bulletin who made this job such a snap.

Onward: From the career front, KELLIE PETROVA writes that after 22 years of preparing audits for Peat Marwick, she made the jump to Bits 'n' Bobs, a Palm Beach gift shop, where she hand-paints unicorns and rainbows on baby pillows--"finally, something right-brained," as she puts it. Harebrained is more like it! Kellie recently divorced third husband DEREK CHAPIN after their adopted son Jason, 17, sued to learn the identity of his birth parents so he could see if he was a legacy at a decent college. Incredibly, Jason's real parents turned out to be none other than Kelly's old roommate, ALYCIA SIMMONS, and his own adoptive father Derek! What a shock for all. Some of you may have caught Derek on Geraldo, which he went on so other parents might be spared the needless pain and expense of adopting their own children. Well done, Derek.

Speaking of big changes, a happy JOE FIRESTONE writes from his private room at the Hospital for Special Surgery that he is no longer a man, and ED STARKER, still at Goldman Sachs, reports that he is no longer black. Ed had been slated to join the Clinton Administration at Treasury, but now it seems all bets are off. Best of luck to both Ed and DOROTHY, which is Joe's new name.

In nuptials news, TOM FINNEGAN sends word from Montana that on Oct. 14, he married the former Cynthia Burnside, whom he met during weekend maneuvers at his local militia group. Neither Tom nor Cynthia recognizes the authority of local or state government, so they were married by their cell commander at the San Diego Preparedness Expo. The two lovebirds spent their honeymoon at an undisclosed location, and they now make their home on federal land south of Billings, where they are excitedly preparing for the upcoming race war. Classmates can reach Tom by E-mail at tomfin@aryan.org

For anyone who missed her great write-up in the Times, LILY GLADDIS, who manages the Boston bank owned by father-in-law Lew ('54), found herself in hot water when a bank examiner walked into her office and discovered her in flagrante with son Lew III ('01). Young Lew is a freshman premed, on the soccer team and, needless to say, the apple of his mother's eye. Lily told the court she and her son were just "experimenting" with incest, "to see what all the fuss was about," and happily, the judge, Scot Bligh ('75 Law), accepted her explanation. Now Lily's hard at work on her autobiography, Quality Time, due out October. This in addition to 200 hours of court-ordered community service at a local day-care center. Whew--talk about a full plate!

The class medical contingent is still very active. RAMON TANAMAN, after years of toiling as a radiologist in New York, decided he needed "a change of perspective" and so joined the insurance industry. "I never realized how out of control the claims are," pens Ramon, "especially for patients who are going to die anyway." Ramon adds that he recently returned from a medical conference where he encountered RALPH FINEGOLD, BOB LATOUR and SHEILA GROENING, plastic surgeons all. Sheila had done Ralph's hair transplants, apparently with great success: Ramon reports that Ralph spent the entire weekend surrounded by would-be Mrs. Finegolds. Lucky dog! The whole thing was pretty ironic since years ago, Ralph had done Sheila's breast reduction to similar effect.

From Hollywood, U.S.A., comes a postcard from ABBY TEMPLETON, missing in action since forever. Apparently Abby's been writing screenplays, one of which, Muscle Sock, was almost optioned by Val Kilmer's production company. His film work keeps him pretty busy, but in his spare time Abby writes poetry and stalks Demi Moore. He says he'd love to hear from any classmates in the business. His car fax number is 213-555-3454.

And from sunny Tucson, this correspondence from LIONEL BRILL, who missed our last reunion: "By now, I'm sure the whole class knows about our abduction on the way to the 20th. Sheila was assigned to an alien breeding facility and--wouldn't you know it?--I was sent to a labor camp, where I bumped into MATT PEW, who, as you might imagine, was in fine form." Lionel goes on to report that Sheila is still working on her coming-of-age memoir about her tumultuous nine months in utero, and that any classmate interested in participating in the bidding war for the book should contact him through his parents.

Finally, it is my painful duty to report the death of NELSON FENWICK, who passed away over Christmas from complications arising from being backed over by new wife Tabitha ('92). Tabitha is reportedly doing fine, and rarin' to inherit Nelson's estimated $400 million software fortune. Notes of condolence should be sent to the family's Southampton estate.

Well, that's it for now. See you at the reunion!