KEY WEST GOES BALLISTIC

By Barbara Ehrenreich

See the Lower Keys on your hands and knees" was our old advertising slogan--a tragic admission that outside of watching the sun sink behind the mangrove islands and the ospreys drift lazily across the azure sky, there wasn't a whole lot to do down here except drink until you heave. But now, in recognition of the fact that red-blooded spring breakers need a more stand-up form of entertainment, the U.S. military plans to start test-launching ballistic missiles from our fabled ecosystem. On your next vacation visit, you'll be able to watch 12-ton Hera rockets blast out of the wetlands and get shot down in a blaze of glory by Patriot-type missiles launched from Eglin Air Force Base, about 700 miles away. Our new slogan is "See the Lower Keys before they're debris."

Not everyone here is thrilled to find themselves in the target zone. Disgruntled locals argue that the Air Force brass should at least have blushed and stammered for a moment when they admitted that the Patriots hadn't worked in the Gulf War after all; it was only the Pentagon propaganda about them that worked. As we now know, most of the Patriots, like most of the Scuds they were aimed at, fluttered harmlessly to earth. Hence the suggestion, from the disgruntled faction, that instead of upgrading the Patriots, the military should upgrade its propaganda machine until it's capable of overpowering the most unflattering fact. Thousands of Keys residents stand ready to test-watch new advertisements for the Patriot, should their country demand this of them.

Naturally, we're doing everything possible to ensure that your Lower Keys missile-watching experience will be a safe and happy one. I personally spent two weeks trying to get the Air Force to answer a question about whether the Patriot-like missiles that will be coming at us from Eglin will be carrying warheads capable of blowing us up if they should miss the target missiles. To which I eventually received, in writing, the not entirely soothing reply, "The interceptor [Patriot-like] missiles are 'hit-to-kill' design or are a proximity-fused design which carries conventional explosives in shaped configuration. Hit-to-kill interceptors use kinetic energy and do not generally have explosives. 'Proximity-fused design' means that the missile is designed so that when an object such as another missile gets close to it, the interceptor missile blows up." In other words, no, except at those times when the answer is yes.

Not that the military hasn't been taking some impressive safety measures of its own. In December the relevant brass declared that the area within a 9,000-ft. radius of the proposed launch site would have to be cleared of civilians. When it was pointed out to them that 23 families live within 6,500 ft. of the launch site, the brass deftly removed them from harm's way--by revising the "clear zone" radius downward, to 6,500 ft.

But, hey, anyone seeking a risk-free vacation should never venture south of Disney World. Down here, you could get impaled on a shark's tooth while snorkeling, punched out by flying fish while Jet Skiing or gouged by watery margarita vendors on famous Duval Street. The chance of a little friendly fire--and the military assures us it will be the chummiest fire available--can only add zest to your missile-launch viewing.

We hope, in addition, to offer you a unique experience of unfettered environmental-free expression. Up until now, the exuberant tourist has been hemmed in by dozens of government regulations forbidding everything from public urination to the willful smashing of turtle eggs. But we who live here full-time find it hard to believe that the Federal Government can continue its career as an environmental busybody while, with the other hand, periodically releasing tons of spent fuel and miscellaneous debris onto the resident flora and fauna. It is our firm expectation that once the launchings begin, the current network of federal wildlife sanctuaries and reserves will be redesignated an environmental free-fire zone, where you'll be free to run down endangered Key deer, dine on great white heron nuggets and spear any amorous dolphin that gets too close. If national defense requires the trashing of the Keys, then everyone should have a chance to join in the fun.

You may even get to see some actual combat, and I don't mean the long-awaited Cuban invasion. Those of us who remain unconvinced that the only way to defend the nation is to sacrifice it, one luscious morsel at a time, are thinking about staging a colorful and, we trust, touristically appealing re-enactment of the American Revolution.