Notebook

By Harriet Barovick, Elizabeth Bland, Tam Gray, Lina Lofaro, Michele Orecklin, Flora Tartakovsky and Chris Taylor

WINNERS & LOSERS ALL JORDAN EDITION

[WINNERS]

JUANITA JORDAN Says life won't change, except that Mike may do "more car pooling." Most popular car pool ever!

THE LAKERS They're young, talented and hungry. Just keep Shaq out of the movies

SPORTSWRITERS President's on trial, but everyone's reading them. Hope Gretzky quits soon

[& LOSERS]

DAVID STERN The lockout's over, but does anyone care? Quick, charm lessons for Latrell Sprewell!

CHICAGO Famous for gangsters, Jordan and now what? Oprah can't dunk

THE OTHER MICHAEL JORDAN U. Penn b-baller keeps hearing that the NBA will never see another Michael Jordan

WHAT THE WORLD REALLY DOESN'T NEED NOW

As the presidential impeachment trial in Washington forges ahead, Americans can console themselves: sex scandals also rack other nations.

MALAYSIA: Ex-Deputy Prime Minister Anwar Ibrahim was arrested in September on sodomy and corruption charges. Prosecutors have since dropped the sodomy charges and are focusing on abuse of power.

BRITAIN: Tony Blair's Welsh Secretary, Ron Davies, who is married, resigned his Cabinet post Nov. 4, after he was robbed by men he met at a London park known as a cruising ground for homosexuals.

CANADA: Former Nova Scotia premier Gerald Regan was acquitted in December on eight sex-related charges alleged to have occurred as far back as the 1950s. Now he will stand trial for allegedly "indecently assaulting" a baby sitter in the 1960s.

JAPAN: Naoto Kan, head of the Democratic Party of Japan, the country's largest opposition group, was alleged in a weekly magazine to have had an affair with a 32-year-old former newscaster. He denied the charge.

TAIWAN: Daniel Huang was eased out of his position as spokesman for provincial governor James Soong last fall after a radio journalist accused him--on the air--of getting her pregnant, pressuring her to get an abortion and dumping her for another girlfriend--all while separated but not yet divorced from his wife.

BALL PARK FIGURES

Who needs a stock portfolio when you've got baseball memorabilia? Mark McGwire's 70th home-run ball (not even the one that broke Ruth's record) set its own record at auction last week. But don't bet the farm on your signed Hank Aaron mitt yet. It's a steep drop to the next nine highest prices paid for sports memorabilia at public auction.

1 $3,005,000 - Mark McGwire's 70th home-run ball 2 $640,000 - 1909-10 trading card of Honus Wagner (1996 auction) 3 $363,000 - 1927 Lou Gehrig road jersey 4 $306,000 - Jersey worn by Lou Gehrig the day he gave the "luckiest man" speech in 1939 5 $222,500 - 1909-10 trading card of Honus Wagner (1998 auction) 6 $220,000 - 1938 Lou Gehrig jersey 7 $220,000 - 1942 Jimmie Foxx jersey 8 $176,000 - 1922 Ty Cobb uniform 9 $172,500 - Sammy Sosa's 66th home-run ball 10 $132,000 - 1929 Babe Ruth road uniform

Sources: Leland's, CNN/Sports Illustrated, Sports Collectors Digest, USA Today, Christie's, Sportsworld

DOUBLE VISION

CALL IN THE REINFORCEMENTS Networks are replacing canceled shows with mid-season replacements that look awfully familiar

OLD SHOW The Secret Life of Desmond Pfeiffer: Cartoonish show about Lincoln's butler that drew protests from African-American groups

Encore! Encore! Unfunny comedy about celebrated opera singer who returns home to dysfunctional family

Trinity: Large Irish family, including a cop, loves and brawls in New York City

Good Morning America (with Lisa McCree, Kevin Newman): Morning show anchored by attractive blond woman, attractive brunet man

NEW SHOW

The PJs: Animated show about inner-city family that has drawn protests from African-American groups

Providence: Unfunny dramedy about celebrated plastic surgeon who returns home to her dysfunctional family

Turks: Large Irish family, including many cops, loves and brawls in Chicago

Good Morning America (with Diane Sawyer, Charles Gibson): Morning show anchored by famous attractive blond woman, attractive brunet man

KEEPSAKE

SLIP OF THE PEN The Senate gift shop had better stock up on these. The pens used to sign the pledge that Senators would remain impartial during the trial had a misprint. Gillette has offered to replace the pens but so far has only received requests for more.

JESSEWATCH

JESSE'S WORLD Anyone who feared that former wrestler Jesse Ventura (with his ice-cream alter ego, left) would be an insensitive brute can be reassured that in his early days in office the Minnesota Governor has practiced politics with a very, very personal touch. Some highlights:

DAY 3: Ventura, owner of five waverunners, lambastes legislation--passed last year with overwhelming support--regulating the noisy watercrafts. "I have to pay $50...to the government so they have the ability to bust me!"

DAY 9: Announces that his official car will be, instead of a luxury sedan, a Lincoln Navigator sport-utility vehicle with extra-strong shocks, "for running over reporters."

DAY 13: Presides over "The People's Celebration"--a four-hour-long bash intended to give ordinary citizens a chance to glorify Jesse. On the musical lineup: Trailer Trash.

NUMBERS

17.5 Number of minutes it takes couriers to travel three miles in Manhattan

53 Minutes to cover the same distance in the center of Frankfurt

1,018,874 Number of "moving violation" tickets given to motorists by New York City cops last year

107 billion Pieces of first-class mail delivered by the U.S. Postal Service in 1998

4 trillion Approximate number of e-mail messages received by U.S. residents in 1998

2.4% Amount the Dow gained on the day Brazil announced it would let its troubled currency, the real, float

4% Projected amount Brazil's economy will shrink this year

$850,000 Amount President Clinton sent last week to Paula Jones

$874,000 Amount Jones' former lawyers claim in legal fees

$4,000 Low-end price for nose job

Sources: The DHL Speed of Business Survey, NYPD, Wall Street Journal, Electronic Messaging Association, Pew Research Center, AP

PIE CHART

SPLAT DECISION San Francisco Mayor WILLIE BROWN testified last week in the trial of three people who threw pies in his face last November to protest his policies on homelessness. To avoid future unpleasantness, we asked Pedro Reis, founder of the National Circus School of Performing Arts, and David Solove, "Boss Clown" at Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey, about the best way to get a pie in the face:

1) As the pie approaches, close your mouth (as shown by Dutch Finance Minister Gerrit Zalm but not by Bill Gates).

2) Afterward, wipe your eyes clean, lick your lips, and look surprised and honored, like Prince Charles.

3) Thank the pie thrower. (Or, if you're Anita Bryant, a higher power.)