More Things for Jerry Falwell to Worry About

By Harriet Barovick, Tam Gray, Daniel Levy, Lina Lofaro, David Spitz, Flora Tartakovsky and Chris Taylor

The Rev. Jerry Falwell last week suggested that Tinky Winky, the purple Teletubby, is gay. Falwell's rationale: purple is the color of gay pride; Tinky Winky's antenna is a triangle, the symbol of gay pride; and he carries a bag. Mystifyingly, Falwell was a no-show at the International Toy Fair, the biggest toy market in the western hemisphere. If he had gone, he could have found things to worry about into the next millennium, including:

TUSH: Its manufacturers claim its large bottom makes it perfect to rest one's head on, but isn't it really designed to encourage interspecies dating?

LEGO STAR WARS FIGURES: Movie spin-off, says Lego. But Jerry would see the truth: the Force is a cult.

WATERBELLIES: Plush creatures with snow globes in their bellies or poor role models? They're clearly pregnant, yet they appear to be unmarried.

ICE MAN: You put him together, pour water over him and freeze him, then melt him with warm-water syringes and scalpels, and pull out his guts. If that doesn't encourage belief in immortal life through cryogenics, what does?

THE ULTIMATE SOLDIER: His removable head may make him more adaptable and fun for role play. But Jerry would immediately see the subtle reference to The Exorcist.