Donny Osmond

By Joel Stein

Donny Osmond is the author of Life Is Just What You Make It: My Story So Far.

Q: You're 41, man. Shouldn't you be going with Donald or Don or something?

A: You'd think. I'll be Grandpa Donny.

Q: Neil Armstrong left a tape with one of your songs on the moon. Did he just not want it anymore?

A: Yeah. He had an eight-track, and they didn't make them anymore.

Q: You filled in for Regis once. Didn't you, against your own free will, find Kathie Lee kind of hot?

A: You are weird, Joel.

Q: Onstage you used to look for hot girls in the audience and get your stage manager to bring them backstage. That's so David Lee Roth of you.

A: Yeah, but it ended there. They just shook my hand. I had the largest black book, but I couldn't do anything with it.

Q: That must have been frustrating.

A: Well, I got married at 20.

Q: Your wife, as a kid, had a poster of David Cassidy. That had to hurt.

A: You should see what I did to the poster.

Q: You have five kids, and Marie has seven. What's wrong with you Mormons?

A: We don't drink or smoke, so we've got to do something.

Q: By your second time on The Love Boat, could you tell Julie was troubled?

A: No. I was in love with Loni Anderson's character. I didn't get to do anything with Julie.

Q: Your Broadway show, Little Johnny Jones, opened and closed the same night. You think it was you, or the composer, George M. Cohan?

A: They didn't pay their power bill.

Q: You got in trouble for calling Rosie O'Donnell fat. Weren't you just trying to save her damn life?

A: Somebody needed to tell her.

Q: How do you piss Donny Osmond off?

A: Stupid interviews.

Q: I already had that written down.

--By Joel Stein