Bully Pulpit

By Amy Dickinson

Like that of most grownups, my memory of middle school is a scratchy mental filmstrip of tiny triumphs punctuated by gigantic humiliations--the vomiting-on-my-sneakers incident of 1972, for example. My school was one of those Machiavellian pyramids composed of jocks, cheerleaders, greasers, hoods, geeks--and an atomic-wedgie specialist nicknamed Buzz, who roamed the halls looking for victims. I was lucky, however. I had two older sisters--big, popular and vengeful teenage goddesses. Looking back, I'm sure they would have happily watched me dangle from a locker hook, but at the time I was able to navigate the bully-infested halls of junior high surrounded by an aura of complete invincibility.

A trio of studies published last week show that despite years of self-esteem lessons, mediation classes and circle time, bullying continues to be a pervasive and destructive force in the school lives of our adolescent children. Some 80% of middle schoolers reported engaging in bullying behavior--ranging from excessive taunting and rumor spreading to destruction of property and physical aggression--according to a study published this month in the Journal of Early Adolescence. A high percentage of kids who bully others also report being victims themselves. Bullying is worst in the middle school years, as kids make transitions to new schools, and peaks during the first few months of school, when students vie for power among their peers.

Grownups are often conflicted about bullying. We know that power struggles are part of life, and we want our kids to learn on their own how to make their way through the schoolyard. But being bullied can destroy a kid's well-being and confidence. And it gets in the way of schooling. Parents need to know that kids don't learn any valuable lessons from being bullied. The only good lessons learned come from defeating a bully. And the best way to beat a bully is to avoid being a victim.

Dr. Patty Roth, a family counselor and author of Enter at Your Own Risk, a book about parenting middle schoolers, says the first and most important thing parents can do for children who report being bullied is to believe them. "You must show your child that you take his complaint very seriously," she says. Much as you might want to, this is not the time to sign your kid up for boxing lessons. Instead, ask your child for ideas or strategies for combatting the bully.

Roth suggests that parents role-play to let the child try out different approaches. These might be to ignore the offense, walk away or stand her ground--but not retaliation. Contact your child's teacher--notify him of the problem and ask for suggestions. There is a direct correlation between adult supervision and bullying, so find out how closely supervised kids are during recess and between classes.

In addition to listening, commiserating and strategizing, parents need to do something very old-fashioned with our kids: we need to teach them to be strong. Encourage them to be proud and to stand tall, even if they're the shrimpiest kid in school. Tell them not to cry, not to cave, not to show their weakness. A kid who is proud of herself does not present a very tempting target to a bully. Your kid might not be lucky enough to have a phalanx of older sisters protecting her in the hallway, as I did, but she should always act as if she did.

See our website at time.com/personal for more advice on coping with bullies. You can also e-mail Amy at timefamily@aol.com