The Dreaded Move

By Amy Dickinson

Last week I stood on the sidewalk with my two favorite young cousins and watched as one of those giant moving vans pulled up to their front door. Before we knew it, five guys in backward baseball caps were waltzing the family couch down the front steps and into the truck. Mom and dad were still packing boxes; no one could find the key to the front door; and the family cat was under the porch, threatening to join the ASPCA. Moving day had arrived. The kids had seen the new house (it's nice). They had toured the new town (it's nice too). But no amount of counterfeit excitement could erase the fact that as of next week, Nathan, 11, and Marian, 9, would be new kids at school.

Of all the indignities we subject our children to--the piano recitals, incessant videotaping, bad haircuts--none is worse than when we force them to become "the new kid."

We parents like to tell ourselves that children "roll with the punches," but we usually say that so we'll feel better--just before we punch them with a huge life change. Kids aren't any more flexible than we are (why should they be?) and lack the perspective to understand the shifting commitments of grownups. Last year more than 10 million school-age children moved to a new house, a number that is rising with the growing mobility of baby boomers.

The good news is, if your child can adjust successfully to his new school, other things in his life will fall into place. Peter Sheras, a clinical psychologist who works with families as they struggle through school transitions, suggests that the best way to deal with the anxiety of that first day is to get your kids--no matter what age--inside their new school before it opens. Teachers are often happy to meet a student during those pre-opening days. At the very least, a careful look around school may prevent the mortification of getting lost on the first day. If there is an appropriate school activity starting before the academic year, such as sports or club meetings, Sheras suggests that parents urge their children to participate--even if they would rather not.

Parents must also do things they may find difficult--like calling a stranger on the phone or going to a meeting of the parents association. But if you demonstrate the desire to get involved in the school community, chances are your child will too. Attend that first PTA meeting or contact members who have children close in age to yours. Ask some general questions--they will undoubtedly fill in the details.

Your family will be making the transition for a long time, so don't expect an enthusiastic report from your kids in the first few weeks. Keep checking in regularly and listen carefully to what they say--and to what they don't say. "Don't forget to acknowledge your kids' courage in facing this new situation and tell them you understand it and respect them," Sheras warns. You could also lighten their load by telling your kids about your own first day as the "new kid" at your new job. "Today I couldn't find the bathroom and forgot my boss's name--how did it go for you?" might be a good start.

See our website at time.com/personal for more advice on coping with moving. You can e-mail Amy at timefamily@aol.com