Is This How Fellini Got Started?

By Joel Stein

I am riding the buzz. It is a buzz I built, albeit by accident. The buzz started last month, when I got a random call from Jed Weitzman, an ambitious 28-year-old manager at Brillstein-Grey. He told me that he really related to the pop references in my column and wanted to manage my Hollywood career, even though I didn't have one. Seeing as I am not the first to allude to The Brady Bunch in a story that was not about TV, I sensed this was just another lame cover for the attraction people feel for me after seeing my picture on TIME's Contributors page. But just in case, I went out to breakfast with him in L.A., and he spent the morning telling me how great I was and how he wanted to be part of the "Joel Stein business." I told him I didn't have any scripts or ideas for scripts or even the ability to write a script. This did not deter him at all. It was all so overwhelming and exciting, I forgot to ask him what a manager does. This, I now realize, is probably how Mike Tyson got hooked up with Don King. Because even though I knew the whole thing was completely phony, it made me feel pretty. At one point, Weitzman saw a fellow employee at the restaurant. He brought her over. Like a gunslinger, she whipped her index finger at me and said, "You are so talented." It was obvious she had no idea who I was. This is now what I'll say to everyone I ever meet, except for Val Kilmer.

Weitzman would get 10% of my take, which seemed steep until I realized it was 10% of nothing. That felt like a small price for a guy to call me all the time and tell me I'm funny. Still, I wanted to be sure I had the very best manager telling me I'm funny. So I asked some writer friends for the names of their agents and called three of them.

I must have called the right ones, because I suddenly got messages from agents I'd never heard of from places like William Morris. I had created some sort of bidding war among agents who were afraid of missing out on whatever it is they thought it was I did. I decided to hold out for lots of free breakfasts. This, I figured, might be the "Joel Stein business."

Then I started hearing rumors about myself. A guy at Fox told me my name popped up in a development meeting. I realized that this was the biggest opportunity I'd ever have to sell a script. The trick would be signing a deal before anyone found out I couldn't write one. This may be how most movies get made.

I wound up choosing Richard Weitz at Endeavor because he used the phrase "Let's make some money" three more times than any other agent. I also liked how the very attractive receptionist asked if I'd like to be validated. I told her I thought I already was and threw in the word "baby." She said she meant my parking. I figured if I came back, the Moonlighting-esque banter might continue.

After I told Weitz he could be my agent, I found out I was also allowed to get a manager, even though they do the exact same thing. And it would only cost 20% of nothing. I told Weitzman to come aboard. He wanted to get right to work, starting with a meeting later this week with Weitz. So now I'm looking for a screenwriter to complete the team. I'm offering 10%. Please send applications to my agent.