Kids Say: Chill!

By Amy Dickinson

When I was a kid, I never knew what my parents--or anyone else's--did for a living. As far as I could tell, all grownups had mysterious jobs that involved drinking lots of coffee and arguing about Richard Nixon. My parents didn't seem to have career aspirations that reached beyond the end of our driveway, and if they had job-related stress, they kept it (like sex) private. Now families are expected to be much more intimate, and while that has happily resulted in a lot of hugs, "I love yous" and full attendance at soccer games, unfortunately we parents also insist on sharing the frustrations of our work lives.

While we have groused about Bud in accounting or fallen asleep in car-pool lines, our children have been listening and watching. The stresses of our jobs are spilling over into our home lives, and our kids are worried about us. A new survey, "Ask the Children," conducted by the Family and Work Institute of New York City, queried more than 1,000 kids between the ages of 8 and 18 about their parents' work lives. "If you were granted one wish to change the way your parents' work affected your life," the survey asked kids, "what would that wish be?" Most parents assumed that children would want more time with them, but only 10% did. Instead, the most common wish (among 34%) was that parents would be less stressed and tired by work.

Allison Levin is the mother of three young children and a professional in the growing field of "work/life quality" as a partner in the accounting firm PricewaterhouseCoopers. Levin counsels employees who are overwhelmed by their work and family obligations to carefully review their commitments--not only at the office but at home and in the community too--and start paring them down. "It's not about getting up earlier in the morning so you can get more done," she says. "It's about saying no and making choices." Working parents, she adds, should be fully home when they're home.

We can start by leaving work, and thoughts of work, behind as soon as we start the trip home. Think about how to make the most of the upcoming time with your family. And do something to get yourself in a good mood, whether it's listening to music in the car or reading a novel on the train, rather than returning calls on the cell phone. When you get home, change out of your work clothes, let the machine take your calls, and stay away from e-mail.

Remember too that your kids are learning about the world of work from you, so when they ask about your day, be sure to tell them about something good that happened. (In the survey, 69% of moms said they liked their work, but only 42% of kids thought they did.)

Parents can also de-stress by cutting back on their children's activities. If keeping up with your kid's schedule is killing you, you might insist that he choose between karate lessons and the theater troupe. Parents should also sneak away from work and family occasionally to feed their own interests and have fun. I keep a basketball in the trunk of my car just for this purpose. The way I see it, there are things I may never be able to fix, at work or at home, but at least I can work on my jump shot.

For more on work-family conflicts, see our website at time.com/personal You can e-mail Amy at timefamily@aol.com