Divided We Stand

By Amy Dickinson

Marriage is big lately. Actually, it's unmarriage that seems to be capturing our attention. From American Beauty to the just released Bruce Willis-Michelle Pfeiffer movie, The Story of Us, the institution is being turned inside out, and it's not a pretty sight. To judge by these films, modern marriage involves a lot of broken china and busted expectations. While the current depictions of marriage may be overly pessimistic, each year half as many Americans get divorced as marry, and that's not a trifling statistic.

When two people first walk down the aisle, marriage and divorce seem like distant countries, each with its own language and customs. What many couples discover, when they find themselves caught between one and the other, is that there is a stop in between--a kind of neutral Switzerland for relationships--separation.

While states no longer mandate separation as part of the divorce process, marriage counselors say couples often choose to separate as a last-ditch effort to change their relationship, and possibly themselves. "Many trial separations don't work because they're not 'authentic'--they're just one person's way of getting out of the relationship," says Harriet Lerner, author of The Dance of Anger. But a separation can give couples time to calm down, renegotiate the rules of the relationship and gain some needed distance.

For a separation to work, it needs to be well defined. Constance Ahrons, director of the Marriage and Family Therapy Training program at the University of Southern California, says "structured separations" tend to be the most productive. Couples facing separation do best if they can come together to establish some basic ground rules first. They should mutually agree on the length of the separation--Ahrons says three to six months is average--and both must continue to work on their own problems during that time, with or without a counselor.

Couples should agree not to see lawyers during their separation. Lawyers have a way of moving marriage toward divorce. They should not pursue each other at all, either to fight or reconcile, but should agree in advance on what kind of contact they will have. Separated couples can agree to speak on the phone for a prearranged period, for instance, or meet once a week. Some therapists advise their clients to agree not to talk to each other about their relationship during these encounters and to use the time apart to reflect on their own lives and see what they can change about themselves. If there are children involved, Ahrons says, both parties need to agree on all the ground rules having to do with kids. Parents should also be aware that repeated separations and reconciliations are difficult and confusing for children.

Ahrons says a separation, while very painful, can help keep the anger down and give a couple time to think. If both are unsure about the future of the marriage, it can provide a time-out, during which they can see what life would be like without the other. "Sometimes," Ahrons says, "a separation can lead back into marriage. Sometimes it leads to divorce. But if couples are able to clarify things, it will improve their marriage--or make their divorce better."

See our website at time.com/personal for more on marriage. You can e-mail Amy at timefamily@aol.com