Why The Stock Market Keeps Rising

By Joel Stein

I always wanted porn-star friends. I figured they'd know not only where all the good parties were but also where to buy fetching outfits for my female friends. But it turns out they know about something far more exciting than sex: money. Orgies are great and all, but they're a little early '99, a little Eyes Wide Shut, if you know what I mean. If I find a woman who can point me toward the next AOL, then I'm a man in search of a diamond ring.

Last week porn star Marylin Star was charged with soliciting insider trading secrets from her "friend" James McDermott, the now former chairman of Keefe, Bruyette & Woods, an investment bank. She made $88,000 investing in companies his firm was about to help merge, and tipped off a buddy, who scored $86,000. I had been missing out on this stock-market craze for too long, and I needed to do something about it. Since no venture capitalists seemed as if they were going to invest in my Jeff Foxworthy tribute site idea, I figured I needed a new plan.

So I called Jenna Jameson, a friend of Marylin Star's and an actress in such films as Hell on Heels and Smells Like...Sex. She was driving through Scottsdale, Ariz., where she lives and owns a restaurant, Tequila, which she bought with proceeds from her shrewd sale of Disney stock. "Disney sucks this year," she said. "I think a lot of bad things went on with them. They split, and they never went up. They took over a bunch of companies, and it never worked out." I asked her what the next big thing was. "I have a lot of tips for you," she cooed in a voice that mixed little girl with Warren Buffett in a way I still can't shake. "I'm really into the stock market. You're going to make a lot of money, dude." I thought I could make a lot of money by recording this and setting up a 900-PORN-IPO number.

"Last week I made $30,000," she said from her cell phone, pausing at a stoplight to sign an autograph for a fan. "I bought into Infospace.com and forgot about it. It ended up splitting. eBay is going to be huge, of course. I sell my underwear on eBay. One time I auctioned off a day on the set with me. I got $10,000." I'll put my money in any company that sells used underwear.

Jameson recently switched from Charles Schwab to Paine Webber, and says she is much happier. She touted two other high-tech stocks, CMGI and EDIG. Jameson was more bullish than Peter Lynch and, at least to me, much more convincing. "I just bought Parkervision today. It came out with a new computer chip."

Jameson also recommended plastics. I thought this was a clever reference to the advice Dustin Hoffman gets in The Graduate until I realized that women with fake 34Ds don't joke about plastics. "There is a new company coming out, Botex. It's actually a friend of mine." Oh yeah, baby. This was the insider stuff I was hoping for. "He makes this new kind of plastic they're going to be using on tennis shoes and tires that doesn't wear out. Once that comes out it will be really cool."

So what if I wasn't really hanging out with porn stars and I didn't have any money in the NASDAQ. It was a rush just to feel as if I was part of it. And I can't wait to tell my grandkids where their EDIG fortune came from.