Ignorance Is Wedded Bliss

By Joel Stein

Having lived with my girlfriend for almost a year and a half now, I'm often asked when I'm going to get married. Most of the people asking are my girlfriend. And to her I say, How are we going to make a marriage work if those people on Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire? couldn't? They had an entire television network behind them. All we have is my pushy grandmother.

But now, through TV, I've learned that I don't have to take this marriage thing so seriously. In fact, the whirlwind process of annulment seems kind of sexy in its own right. I picture myself, freshly annulled, in a leather jacket and sunglasses, telling Diane Sawyer how the marriage was part of my crazy, impetuous youth. A crazy, impetuous youth, Diane, that could get crazier if you'll marry me right here on network TV.

But while the Fox show helped me lighten up on the concept of marriage, it proved that despite all this whining about divorce rates, the rest of America still takes it seriously. If the show had been about two people being sent on a vacation without the ceremony, it would have got The Dating Game's ratings because it would have been The Dating Game. But add a ring, some vows and a dress that looks like a doily, and newsmagazines from competing networks will cover your TV special. Getting married to a stranger is a daredevil stunt far more fascinating than jumping a train on a motorcycle, which Robbie Knievel did on Fox later that week to much lower ratings. That's partly because stupid Robbie didn't include a bikini contest.

As the institution becomes more fragile, we've become even more attached to the symbolism. As shown by the Defense of Marriage Act, people get apoplectic at the thought of gay weddings because they fear that puncturing the traditions of marriage would expose the weakness of the institution. Also because gay weddings would make straight weddings look bad.

Still, I needed to know why people would not only submit themselves to this leap of faith but also do it so publicly. I called Genie Francis, whose character, Laura, on General Hospital married Luke in 1981 in a major TV event. Sadly, their marriage is not doing well. Luke separated from Laura last year after discovering that she slept with Stefan, Luke's archenemy, when she was kidnapped on Cassadine Island, though at the time she thought Luke was dead. Of the Fox show, Francis said, "That woman got a $35,000 diamond ring. That's a lot more than I got paid for that episode."

I don't want to offend Luke and Laura, who seem to have had some very unfortunate troubles, but these contrived marriages seem doomed to fail. Maybe getting hitched after a first date is romantic, but to me, it means more when a commitment evolves without depending on the powers vested by a church, state or a TV network that pushed that Action show way too hard.

For now, I'd like to spend a little more time just living with my girlfriend in our 500-sq.-ft. studio apartment. Some have called this a cruel test to put her through, but so far, she won't agree to the bikini contest.