Thanks, I Must Be Going

By Melissa August, Val Castronovo, Matthew Cooper, Daren Fonda, Lina Lofaro, Benjamin Nugent, Desa Philadelphia, Julie Rawe and Alain L. Sanders

The Webby Awards, the Oscars of the Internet, have found a solution to painfully long acceptance speeches. At the ceremony this Thursday night, winners must limit their thank-yous to five words. If only the Oscars would take the cue:

OSCAR VERSION Cher, Best Actress, 1988: "I'd like to thank everyone I worked with on the movie. They were really fabulous. It was really a great experience for me. My makeup man, who had a lot to work with. My hairdresser. My assistant..."

WEBBY VERSION This was all about me.

OSCAR VERSION Laurence Olivier, Honorary Oscar, 1979: "In the great wealth, the great firmament of your nation's generosities, this particular choice may perhaps be found by future generations as a trifle eccentric, but the mere fact of it--the prodigal, pure human kindness of it--must be seen as a beautiful star in that firmament which shines upon me at this moment, dazzling me a little but filling me with warmth of the extraordinary elation, the euphoria that happens to so many of us at the first breath of the majestic glow of a new tomorrow."

WEBBY VERSION I'm a whiz at Shakespeare.

OSCAR VERSION Sally Field, Best Actress, 1985: "I haven't had an orthodox career, and I've wanted more than anything to have your respect. The first time I didn't feel it, but this time I feel it, and I can't deny the fact that you like me, right now, you like me!"

WEBBY VERSION I really need your approval.